Wednesday 23 August 2017

How did I discover kink?

Often, I'm asked this question. How did you discover kink. Well, here's a brief account of the journey.

I was 22 when I discovered BDSM. I’m 33 now. It’s been 11 years. However, I was 16 when I had first used the word submissive for myself. That makes it almost 17 years. But was all of it about BDSM? Well, no. Was it about submission? Yes. 

To be honest, I never realized that submission could mean sexual submission too. I thought submission was about pleasing people. I wanted to make my parents, teachers, seniors, husband (I dreamed of finding one at that time) and in-laws (with husband they were bound to come to my life).
I was very sure that my submission was about being a docile woman. However, thanks to my upbringing and education, I realized that my meekness was being mistaken for my weakness.

I turned to spirituality. I thought, maybe submission was about being the servant of the servants of God. However, I refused to be brainwashed into cults. I refused to be conditioned to deny my sexuality.

A late bloomer as I was, at 22, I broke up from my first long distance relationship. I know some of you are probably smirking right now. Perhaps I would as well, if this was the story of another person. At some level, I smirk even today when I hear people saying that online role plays are very meaningful for them. You see, I am not liberated enough yet to not judge despite having been there. I am learning.

This breakup came at a crucial point in life. I had moved to the capital of the country from a tier 3 town in one of the Hindi speaking states. I was changing careers. Delhi was already a cultural shock.Looked like I was always pretending to be someone I was not. Always wearing a mask.

Thankfully, I, a childhood loner found some friends that I could safely confide in. One of them was a senior colleague at my first work place. She introduced me to watching porn hoping it would help me with my breakup and heartache. Little did she know that my partner and I had never had sex.

No, I didn’t pretend to be experienced. But I didn’t come out clean with being in a long-distance relationship rather than otherwise. D, if you’re reading this, I am sorry I didn’t come clean. However, I am not sorry you introduced me to porn. Not, the least bit.

Link to link, I landed on kink. That’s what happened to me on my first porn website trip. Result? I was shocked, I was stunned. How could there be women who wanted to be tied up or beaten like that and still look so happy?  How was it possible to find pleasure in pain? Add to it the fact that I had zero experience of sex. 

Result? I was scared. I was disgusted. I was curious as hell. I didn’t enjoy watching that ‘stuff’. I still call it ‘stuff’ sometimes when I’m not thinking consciously about my words. 

So, once the initial shock faded off in a few days, I started reading. I read for almost 3 years. Read everything I could lay my hands upon. I went to yahoo chat rooms till I found other people who could point me to more reading material. I was no longer shocked, disgusted or anything else. This, my dear reader is how I discovered kink. 

These 3 years were the loneliest years of my life. They were the most intense years of my life in some ways. These years unravelled life in front of me in a way that had never happened before.  

11 years later, I am here, unravelling my journey for you. Not as a way to propagate a lifestyle, not with a desire to convert anyone to kink. But, as a voice of solidarity. I understand what it is to feel lonely, I understand what it is to pretend to be someone you are not. I understand what it is to live a life of duplicity, hiding from everyone, including yourself. Thankfully I no longer have to do it. 

On that note stay tuned.

With love,

© Asmi Uniqus 2017  
(Image source -

1 comment: