It's NOT OK to ping a BDSM Practitioner's friends on facebook

So recently, someone followed me to my blog through my tinder profile and then they reached my facebook profile. So far, so good. They pinged me, trying to tell me how they are a GREAT REAL NO LIMITS master. When politely told off that there's nothing like no limits, they choose to ping every woman on my profile and ask them if they are a BDSM submissive.

It is NOT OK. It is called desperate behavior.

• BDSM is NOT an excuse for harassing people and their friends.
• BDSM is NOT an excuse for stalking women.
• BDSM practitioners are NOT necessarily easy lays.
• Women who practice BDSM are not necessarily cheap, easy, desperate or interested.
• Women who say a no, do NOT mean a yes.

Here's one screenshot. If other friends provide more, I'm going to name and shame this person more. Because high time people understand that BDSM practitioners are not freaks, we are different and we DO NOT endorse jerk behavior.

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Safe Call

So first off, let me share a bit about what is a safe call.

What is a Safe Call?

A safe call is a trusted person, I will call before I go for a session with a new partner. 'New' is what I define 'new'. For instance, I prefer to listen to my gut, but the first 3 sessions with anyone in my life are arranged with safe calls.

My safe call is a friend who is not going to be busy that day, or who I trust with my life. Someone I know will dump anything and rescue me, should I send them an SOS warning.

Remember, safe call is not the same as the 'safe word'. It does not mean that I scream 'red' and my Dominant will stop doing the activity they are doing. Safe call is my rescue plan, my emergency exit from a session, my backup in case a Dom faints and I am tied, a friend who knows how frequently to check me, the location where I am (it could very well be my own house, his / her house or a hotel), the duration I am going to be there for. Most importantly my safe call WILL KNOW who I am with.

Challenges with a Safe Call:

1. You really need to trust this person with your life.
2. Your play partner may not be comfortable with someone else knowing about them.
3. Your play partner may not even understand the significance of a safe call.
4. Your play partner may simply refuse to play without a safe call.
5. Your play partner thinks you do not trust them.

Addressing these challenges:

1. This is why it is important to make friends in the scene first and play later. There are always, kind, responsible and compassionate kinksters who will be willing to become your safe calls. This is like telling my best friend that I am going for a tinder date with a stranger in a hotel room.
2. Then, they've got a problem. I would say, see the red flags and run. No man in this world is an island. Believe me, I know that it's difficult for most people to share or have the details of their intimate escapades with a third party. However, if they do not respect your concerns, then will they really respect your consent?
3. Another red flag! This is easy to work with though. Assuming, your partner is willing to talk, learn, discuss, consider and eventually practice.
4. Then DON'T PLAY WITH THEM. Simple! I do not remember how many people have I refused because they just refused to see the logic or denied to do something about it even when they saw the logic.
5. Not true! It simply means that you trust a tried and tested friend as a backup option. BDSM play is not about ego tussles, competitions and insecurities. It is about responsibility, communication, respect and safe practices, just like any other dynamic. If your partner has trust issues, you need to sit down and talk and work THAT out before you guys play.

Exciting is different from dumb, you see! So please ensure that you are AWARE of safe call, KNOW it's an option. USE it !

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Myth Buster Series

So, it takes a lot of work to motivate me to write regularly, what with work life, bills, health, fitness, family, friends, a very hectic social life and everything else :)

However, I have recently met some very very amazing people and had intense, meaningful discussions worth sharing. I have also discovered that a lot of us still live with myths around BDSM, power play and power relationships in general.

Something similar happened, when I was intervieweing for Femina as well as DNA. As a result, I have decided to start a series of small posts around myth busting. These posts are going to be brief, will address a small question / myth at a time. However, I am going to hope that you will find them useful.

Do share feedback and thoughts. Please also feel free to comment with questions, if you want me to answer some.

Lots of love,
Asmi