After 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore.

Hi Asmi,

We’ve been married together for 10 years. We were love married to begin with and have successful careers and a great friendship. Our family and friends think we’re an amazing couple. But after 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore. The sex is infrequent too. We still care for each other and I feel guilty that I don’t love him the same way as I did once. I wonder how can I fix this? 

Imperfect and ashamed

Dear Real-and-beautiful,

Yes, I chose that name for you because I think that’s who you are. Real and honest about how you feel and beautiful on the inside.

First off, thank you for acknowledging that something is amiss. It’s important to acknowledge that something isn’t how it used to be, or how you would want it to be. However, it is critical for you to resolve the emotional upheaval your feelings are causing in you.

I am sure you already know this, but I will repeat – people change all the time. So does love.

You’ve loved each other for 10 years. Been with each other, had arguments, heated debates hopefully, and have made love to each other passionately, am sure. I do not know if you have children together, but if you do, then you’ve both crossed that milestone together too. 

In the process, you’ve changed. Tremendously. Together and individually, you as well as your husband have changed. And, so has your love.

You see, love comes in multiple forms.

When we’re young, it often comes as infatuation. Later sometime as desire, then as lust, and with a special person or more, as romance. It comes in the form of affection, care, commitment, giving, intense sexual attraction. Love also sometimes comes in the form of unhealthy obsession, manipulation or abuse. Add to it the fact that love and its forms change as people change. 

Is it possible that you might be considering this change as fading out of the chemistry? Have you spoken to your partner about it yet? Have you tried to find new ways of reigniting your spark together? Maybe you both want to take a small vacation together? 

Perhaps you just want to book yourselves an OYO for a weekend getaway, even if in the same city. Or, you might want to explore the sensual rather than the sexual or the emotional rather than the sensual? Go learn dancing together or take up running or jogging with each other every evening and reconnect with each other.

While I have listed a few things, you can do to spark and reignite the love you once shared, let me emphasize again. You both need to talk first. It is very possible that he doesn’t even feel like your love is fading. It’s also possible that he also feels the same way and wants to rediscover your love, but is hesitating in telling you. So the first step is to buckle up and speak to him gently about it. I’m sure you will discover another facet of the love you both share. 

Much Love,

Asmi

Only overgrown kids want to submit to others

“You claim to be an empowered woman and yet you claim that you want other people to boss you around. Who would really want to spend all their time trying to tell you what to do. Grow up and take charge of your life. Why do you want to spend all your life being someone’s slave?”

_________________________

 

Erm…. Thanks for asking me that question. I really wish your words were laced with less judgement and assumptions. Your question actually tells me much more about you, rather than any of my Dominant partners. 

First things first, I am totally in charge of my life. I eat what I like, I exercise based on what my doctor and trainer recommend, I buy what I can afford, I am well-read, well-educated and very gainfully employed, I live by myself, have wonderful relationships with my family, friends and chosen partner/s at any given point. So, my submission isn’t reflective of my incapability to take charge of my life 😊

Now that we have THAT out of our way, let’s talk about the rest of it. I trust my long-term partners with greater responsibility. That’s one of the reasons I submit. The second reason I submit to someone is, that we have both taken time to know each other very well, not just in the bedroom but also outside it. We MUST have intellectual, emotional, social, and financial compatibility before I agree to even ‘consider’ submitting to them.

Third, I am happy doing things for other people, people I love. Just like I hope you are. Only that my demeanour is submissive rather than obliging. Fourth, I have taken more than a decade of my life and worked on myself, in order to be able to fully embrace my submissive desires and nature. It is not lightly that I submit. It is not to every Tom, Dick, Harry, or Heena, Neena, Karina that I submit.

In some of my write-ups I have mentioned how my Dominant partner/s have brought positivity, empowerment and enrichment to my life. At some places perhaps, I have also written a bit about what value my partners think, I have added to their lives. I might write more on that later.

All of that said, I am neither a doormat, nor a wall flower. I ensure that any Dominant partner I go around with is someone who understands and respects my own accomplishments in life. I do realize that it is a difficult and paradoxical concept for most people to reconcile with.

Further, Dominants don’t just go around bossing people. Just like me, my partners also work on their self-awareness. They work on as many sentiments, personal issues and skills as I do. When I serve them, they also have a responsibility to care for me, to protect me, to ensure I don’t overexert myself. My partner/s take it seriously.

Remember what I do is neither under societal pressure, nor because of coercion. It is with another consenting adult like any other ‘regular’ relationship. Our power exchange is not parasitic, co-dependent or dysfunction like in a lot of erotica. 

One of the good ideas might be to actually connect with some people offline and see how and why they function. Some gentle questions asking them what they do, how they relate with their partners, what makes them do what they do, is a good way to begin. 

BDSM if done right in a consensual set up with the right people is an act of love. As much as any other display is, specially on the Valentines' day.

Hope this clears some confusion.

Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2018

Giving Pain to Someone I respect

Dear Asmi,

I really respect and love my partner a lot. Not just that, all my life I have taken pride in being a chivalrous man. How can I hurt a woman, that too a woman I love? I find it a very conflicting idea that I have desires of hurting my partner on purpose. Can you please help me understand how this works?

Concerned and Curious

_________________________________________

Dear Concerned and Curious,

Thank you for writing in. It's a very important question that bothers a lot of people. Much rightly so.

BDSM relationships are (or are expected and ought to be) all about consent and communication. When I say consent, please understand that I’m talking of notional consent and not necessarily legal. In the legal purview, a lot of explicitly consensual, risk aware and safe activities might be penalizable. Consent however, is a subject for separate treatment. 

For the sake of answering your question, I am going to safely assume that you have a lover / partner who has voluntarily consented to receiving pain. Also, that your partner has done this with the understanding that they will be able to stop you by the use of a safe word when they need to. I am also assuming that you have the ability to stop, both when you hear them using the safeword, and also, when you feel the need to use your safeword (yes, Doms need a safeword too).

With that out of the way, let’s address the actual question. How can one hurt someone they respect and love? To begin with, let’s consider why would someone want to receive or give pain. Pain is a bodily sensation like any other. Imagine people who take up kickboxing as a sport? Or those gym rats? Every inch of their body hurts and yet, they enjoy it. 

What I’m trying to say is that one needs to get rid of the notion that pain is necessarily bad. I’m sure you’ve yourself experienced some of that sweet, mild, pain yourself. Pain can be purposeful, enriching and rewarding when mixed with other sensations. When done correctly, pain as associated with the BDSM spectrum can feel very pleasurable, even though it doesn’t have to necessarily lead to coitus. The body’s chemical reactions to the stimulus can be similar to how one feels during meditation or orgasm.

Most of the times, people who engage in any sort of BDSM activity do it because they are trying to fulfil a fantasy, or achieve a certain psychological state, hormonal rush or feel grounded. For some people it can even be therapeutic. I do not know what it is for your partner and you specifically. However, if your partner really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something they might find pleasurable? 

Everything said and done, BDSM isn’t everyone’s cup of chai 😊 For some people it works instantly, for others it’s an acquired taste and for a lot of people, it simply doesn’t work. Trust me, all those possibilities are totally OK. It’s entirely up to you to decide whether or not you want to participate in these activities. However, it is VERY important to be honest with your partner if you do not want to participate in BDSM activities that they want to explore. 

If you do consider trying things out before making up your mind, my only suggestion is that keep your mind open. Give it your best shot (No, the best shot isn’t how it is often done in porn movies). The best shot is the sincere desire to try, it’s not about hitting harder or playing rougher etc. 

Remember, if you make up your mind about trying this, you’re doing it for yourself and your partner and the experience WILL change you. You may be unsure in the beginning, so it’s a good idea to start slow. It’s also very important to educate yourself and your partner about safety, consent, communication both in and out of the session. Another good idea is to find someone who has done some things before and can give you practical tips. 

Hope this helps,

Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2018