Only overgrown kids want to submit to others

“You claim to be an empowered woman and yet you claim that you want other people to boss you around. Who would really want to spend all their time trying to tell you what to do. Grow up and take charge of your life. Why do you want to spend all your life being someone’s slave?”

_________________________

 

Erm…. Thanks for asking me that question. I really wish your words were laced with less judgement and assumptions. Your question actually tells me much more about you, rather than any of my Dominant partners. 

First things first, I am totally in charge of my life. I eat what I like, I exercise based on what my doctor and trainer recommend, I buy what I can afford, I am well-read, well-educated and very gainfully employed, I live by myself, have wonderful relationships with my family, friends and chosen partner/s at any given point. So, my submission isn’t reflective of my incapability to take charge of my life 😊

Now that we have THAT out of our way, let’s talk about the rest of it. I trust my long-term partners with greater responsibility. That’s one of the reasons I submit. The second reason I submit to someone is, that we have both taken time to know each other very well, not just in the bedroom but also outside it. We MUST have intellectual, emotional, social, and financial compatibility before I agree to even ‘consider’ submitting to them.

Third, I am happy doing things for other people, people I love. Just like I hope you are. Only that my demeanour is submissive rather than obliging. Fourth, I have taken more than a decade of my life and worked on myself, in order to be able to fully embrace my submissive desires and nature. It is not lightly that I submit. It is not to every Tom, Dick, Harry, or Heena, Neena, Karina that I submit.

In some of my write-ups I have mentioned how my Dominant partner/s have brought positivity, empowerment and enrichment to my life. At some places perhaps, I have also written a bit about what value my partners think, I have added to their lives. I might write more on that later.

All of that said, I am neither a doormat, nor a wall flower. I ensure that any Dominant partner I go around with is someone who understands and respects my own accomplishments in life. I do realize that it is a difficult and paradoxical concept for most people to reconcile with.

Further, Dominants don’t just go around bossing people. Just like me, my partners also work on their self-awareness. They work on as many sentiments, personal issues and skills as I do. When I serve them, they also have a responsibility to care for me, to protect me, to ensure I don’t overexert myself. My partner/s take it seriously.

Remember what I do is neither under societal pressure, nor because of coercion. It is with another consenting adult like any other ‘regular’ relationship. Our power exchange is not parasitic, co-dependent or dysfunction like in a lot of erotica. 

One of the good ideas might be to actually connect with some people offline and see how and why they function. Some gentle questions asking them what they do, how they relate with their partners, what makes them do what they do, is a good way to begin. 

BDSM if done right in a consensual set up with the right people is an act of love. As much as any other display is, specially on the Valentines' day.

Hope this clears some confusion.

Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2018

Myth Buster 3 - BDSM is all about toys and props

Nope.

Unlike the common misconception projected by the infamous movies, books and the horde of porn available online, BDSM is NOT about props and toys.Most people think that BDSM cannot be practiced in India because toys and props are not available and hence it is impossible for people to practise BDSM in India.

This calls for the busting of multiple myths. First being that BDSM is all about toys. No, it's not. BDSM is about the mindset that you bring to the relationship and the dynamics you share with your partner. It is about bondage, irrespective of what you tie the other person with, as long as you do not damage them.

It is irrelevant whether your bonds are those of satin ribbons or those of jute ropes. In fact, it shouldn't be surprising to discover that the most intense bonds are those of the mind and the heart. The bonds of the D/s mindset and the word that drives the bond between two people.

Same applies for implements of pain, Even if one is not an emotional sadist or a emotional pain slut, it is very much possible to hurt someone without the conventional BDSM implements. A plain, bare-bottom, bare-hand spanking is as effective as any other implement.

The second myth to break is that toys are not available in India. The fact is that yes, the fancy-looking, over-priced, over-rated toys and implements are not available. That said, there are sexual health and wellness websites which do have toys for sale in India.

However, it is always possible and easy to acquire and use the simple, domestic substitutes for toys. However, before you do that, there are two things that you need to have -

1. The ability of lateral thinking in which you can imagine multiple uses of a certain object than those that are obvious.
2. Detailed information on the side effects and the safety protocol of using different objects on human body, For instance jute and nylon ropes create different kinds of impact and may cause differential damage to the person who has been tied. 

 Some substitute toys are as follows:

1. A lot of regular body massagers can be used as a substitute for vibes.
2. Table tennis racquets, kitchen spatulas can be easily used as a substitute for paddles.
3. Ribbons, old neckties and scarves can also be used as easy substitutes for ropes.
4. Physiotherapy bands are  another great tool for safe and DIY bondage that's even easy to get out of. 
5. Floggers can be made at home.
6. Riding crops are easily available.
7. Processed tree branches are an easy substitute to canes.

And this - is just the beginning of ideas.  For this post, I will leave you at this. Do write back with some kinky ideas of your own.

Much Love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Myth Buster 2 - A sub is a victim

As a seasoned submissive, I am often asked what drives me towards submission. Also, when potential partners approach me, they tend to think that I am a victim and a weak woman, so I need to be either protected or that I can be exploited. These assumptions couldn't be farther from the truth.

The truth is, a submissive is not a victim. They are not being taken advantage of. Sure, there are women and men who are vulnerable. A submissive is often very aware of why and who are they with. The fact is, as a submissive, we don't need to be saved from some imaginary abusive dominant. We fully realize that it's a big, bad world out there.

The choice to indulge in any activity where we welcome and embrace pain at the hands of a certain sadist, doesn't make us masochists victims against our will.

People, we value your concern, believe us we do. But remember,our keywords are Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Just because we do not conform to some of your rules and norms, doesn't mean that we cease to be well-informed, consenting adults who understand what we're getting into.

I do not deny that there are so many battered women and children across the country that it is easy to feel specially worried about the submissive types. However, if you ask us multiple times and we tell you we are fine, please don't nag.

If there are no obvious signs of distress and / abuse, please do not try to convince us that we don't know what we might be getting into. Believe it or not, we sub types are actually far more efficient at recognizing sociopaths. Let me put it this way :)

Let me reiterate again... BDSM is consensual. Whether SSC or RACK, we understand the risks.

We love and appreciate the compassion you send our way. However, for a lot of us, these are neither kinky games, not fucked up minds, but a choice about the way we want to live our relationships. As long as you can respect it as a preference for black coffee over brown, we'll get along, just fine :)

Much love,
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Myth Buster 1 - A kinky woman is a slut

No, she is not. She is not a slut, she is not easy, she's not a freak and she's not weak.

A kinky woman is just that. A 'kinky' woman. Just like a kinky man is not a perv, just like he's not a predator most times, just like he's not necessarily desperate. Similarly, a kinky woman is not a slut. She's not some kind of nymphomaniac who likes to fuck all the time, or any random guy she meets.

Where can you find a kinky woman?

Anywhere. You can find her pretty much anywhere. In a work place, at a party, on one of your dating apps, in your college, amidst your friends. She could be the woman living next door and she could be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher for all you know.

Does a Kinky woman always know she's kinky?

Nope,  not always. However, it is not your responsibility to assume to teach all women kinkiness. Unless you're a kinkster, unless you're dating a woman, please follow the basic courtesy rules your mom taught you about approaching women. Please do not presume that just because a woman has read 50 shades of grey or watched 'Lipstick under my Burkah', she's a kinky woman.  The probability is always 50 % you see?

So, how do you approach a kinky woman?

If you have to ask this question, there's something severely wrong with your inter-gender interaction skills. You've forgotten the basic lessons in courtesy mum taught you. Or maybe, she didn't get time to teach you. Afterall, we Indians often don't ask our parents on how to approach a guy / girl sexually.

So rule of thumb -  you treat her with respect. You do not assume that a woman is kinky to begin with, just because she's on tinder, or on a kink platform or on a kink website, or because she discussed it in a truth or dare game. Don't assume, ask respectfully.

Even if she IS kinky, self-proclaimed, proven or otherwise, she may NOT be interested in you. Don't take her for granted. Not all kinksters are poly (we'll talk about that soon), not all kinky women are sluts, not all kinksters are despos or nymphos. So, if she says a no, BACK OFF! A sexually aware woman saying a no, is more aware of her desires than a presumptuous prick is. So, don't be that prick.

Bitter Much?

Did you feel my tone was caustic? Well, yes it was to an extent. Trust me, it's not because I'm a snob, but because some men do NOT understand a no unless a woman raises her voice. Apparently their inflated egos can't accept it.

If however, you are not a man of the above type, you have my advance apologies and a hope that you will look deeper into my intention.

On a side note, I do hope you will be able to connect with some amazing women who are willing to experiment with kink.

Stay well and play safe!
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

What do people do in BDSM ?

So the most frequent question I get asked is - what exactly does it mean when you say you practice BDSM? Do you have rough sex? Do you have kinky sex? Do you beat people? Do you get beaten? Do you role play? Do you sleep with many people? Do you do Orgies? Do you.......

And I silently pray that people would calm down just a bit and breathe :) Just like I do. Yes! I breathe in BDSM :) I laugh, I cry, I smile, I weep, I serve, I am taken care of, I get hurt, I hurt, I enjoy, I have fun, and more. But more importantly, I live! I breathe!

However, the euphemisms aside, let's see what all can a session mean. Also, what does a session certainly NOT mean. There are two ways of approaching the subject.

1. What does a BDSM session mean in general?
2. What does a BDSM session mean for me personally?

I will like to begin by saying a BDSM session means what you want it to mean as long as the activities are a part of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. For a lot of people BDSM session also means kinky sex with fetishes.

Since BDSM is so personal, it may not make a lot of sense if I talk only of my perspective. Afterall, what it means for me, is only one side of the story. So, I will share more about this question on a generic note and let's see, some of the things a BDSM session can mean.

• What Exactly is a session ?

A session is the time spent together in an intimate / semi - intimate / public setting between two people who identify as BDSM practitioners. This could be sexual or not, public or private. This could include pain, bondage, discipline, sex, or neither.

• What can a BDSM session entaill?

Any activity that falls under the spectrum of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism can be a part of a BDSM session. By extension, any kinks and fetishes that enhance sexual pleasure may also be a part of a session.

• Is a BDSM session about exciting sex?

Only if you and your partner want it to be. If one of you is asexual or doesn't want to have sex in a particular session, that's fine. A lot of times a BDSM session is only about the protocol. For instance the submissive may kneel at a Dom's feet and they may watch the TV together and that's all they may do. It's as good as a session for them, if this makes them happy.

• Then How is a BDSM session different from normal love making or cozy time?

Well, it's not. The mindset is what's different. The activities may or may not differ. You may cuddle up with your boy friend, or you may cuddle up with your Dom. Your Dom may be a guy or a girl. You may have sex with your boyfriend, or may work out with a friend or may indulge in flogging with your sadist, or may let your bondage top tie you up, or  may let your Dominant order you around. None of them are honestly different in my opinion on the surface.

The difference is in how it makes you feel and what activities interest you. If it's plain 'vanilla' missionary sex or a normal workout, it's a vanilla activity. If it's an activity around BD, Ds or Sm, it's BDSM.


Feel free to read, comment, discuss. I'd love to hear your thoughts and answer questions the best I can.

Till the next post.

Be well and play safe,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Is it all fiction or do you really practice BDSM?

So, one of the most common questions that I am addressing these days is - Is it all fiction? Do you really practice BDSM or are you just writing about it ? How is it that in India you can practice BDSM? How did you manage to find a partner? What did you do with them?

I am going to try answering some of these questions. Others, I won't for reasons of privacy of other people, but some of these questions are very pertinent and need to be talked about and discussed.

So The Main Question - Is it all fiction, the stuff you write about BDSM?

No, I do not write pure fiction. Sure my style is that of a story teller because I have to protect people's identities, including my own. However, does that mean, I am narrating erotica? Well, no.

A similar question my father asked me was - the books you've written, are they based on your experiences or on research? My response was - both. It was given in a serious tone, because it was dad I was speaking to. Thankfully also, he didn't probe into details. 

However, I'm sure you realize on this basis, how serious I am about what message I send out in this universe because I know I will reap the same. I write authentic, I get to read authentic :)

With that, my only wish is that I find it in me to continue on my own path for self-awareness, growth, submission, strength and may everyone find their path too :)

Till the next time, stay well and play safe!

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

It's NOT OK to ping a BDSM Practitioner's friends on facebook

So recently, someone followed me to my blog through my tinder profile and then they reached my facebook profile. So far, so good. They pinged me, trying to tell me how they are a GREAT REAL NO LIMITS master. When politely told off that there's nothing like no limits, they choose to ping every woman on my profile and ask them if they are a BDSM submissive.

It is NOT OK. It is called desperate behavior.

• BDSM is NOT an excuse for harassing people and their friends.
• BDSM is NOT an excuse for stalking women.
• BDSM practitioners are NOT necessarily easy lays.
• Women who practice BDSM are not necessarily cheap, easy, desperate or interested.
• Women who say a no, do NOT mean a yes.

Here's one screenshot. If other friends provide more, I'm going to name and shame this person more. Because high time people understand that BDSM practitioners are not freaks, we are different and we DO NOT endorse jerk behavior.

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Safe Call

So first off, let me share a bit about what is a safe call.

What is a Safe Call?

A safe call is a trusted person, I will call before I go for a session with a new partner. 'New' is what I define 'new'. For instance, I prefer to listen to my gut, but the first 3 sessions with anyone in my life are arranged with safe calls.

My safe call is a friend who is not going to be busy that day, or who I trust with my life. Someone I know will dump anything and rescue me, should I send them an SOS warning.

Remember, safe call is not the same as the 'safe word'. It does not mean that I scream 'red' and my Dominant will stop doing the activity they are doing. Safe call is my rescue plan, my emergency exit from a session, my backup in case a Dom faints and I am tied, a friend who knows how frequently to check me, the location where I am (it could very well be my own house, his / her house or a hotel), the duration I am going to be there for. Most importantly my safe call WILL KNOW who I am with.

Challenges with a Safe Call:

1. You really need to trust this person with your life.
2. Your play partner may not be comfortable with someone else knowing about them.
3. Your play partner may not even understand the significance of a safe call.
4. Your play partner may simply refuse to play without a safe call.
5. Your play partner thinks you do not trust them.

Addressing these challenges:

1. This is why it is important to make friends in the scene first and play later. There are always, kind, responsible and compassionate kinksters who will be willing to become your safe calls. This is like telling my best friend that I am going for a tinder date with a stranger in a hotel room.
2. Then, they've got a problem. I would say, see the red flags and run. No man in this world is an island. Believe me, I know that it's difficult for most people to share or have the details of their intimate escapades with a third party. However, if they do not respect your concerns, then will they really respect your consent?
3. Another red flag! This is easy to work with though. Assuming, your partner is willing to talk, learn, discuss, consider and eventually practice.
4. Then DON'T PLAY WITH THEM. Simple! I do not remember how many people have I refused because they just refused to see the logic or denied to do something about it even when they saw the logic.
5. Not true! It simply means that you trust a tried and tested friend as a backup option. BDSM play is not about ego tussles, competitions and insecurities. It is about responsibility, communication, respect and safe practices, just like any other dynamic. If your partner has trust issues, you need to sit down and talk and work THAT out before you guys play.

Exciting is different from dumb, you see! So please ensure that you are AWARE of safe call, KNOW it's an option. USE it !

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Myth Buster Series

So, it takes a lot of work to motivate me to write regularly, what with work life, bills, health, fitness, family, friends, a very hectic social life and everything else :)

However, I have recently met some very very amazing people and had intense, meaningful discussions worth sharing. I have also discovered that a lot of us still live with myths around BDSM, power play and power relationships in general.

Something similar happened, when I was intervieweing for Femina as well as DNA. As a result, I have decided to start a series of small posts around myth busting. These posts are going to be brief, will address a small question / myth at a time. However, I am going to hope that you will find them useful.

Do share feedback and thoughts. Please also feel free to comment with questions, if you want me to answer some.

Lots of love,
Asmi