Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Myth Buster 2 - A sub is not a victim

As a seasoned submissive, I am often asked what drives me towards submission. Also, when potential partners approach me, they tend to think that I am a victim and a weak woman, so I need to be either protected or that I can be exploited. These assumptions couldn't be farther from the truth.

The truth is, a submissive is not a victim. They are not being taken advantage of. Sure, there are women and men who are vulnerable. A submissive is often very aware of why and who are they with. The fact is, as a submissive, we don't need to be saved from some imaginary abusive dominant. We fully realize that it's a big, bad world out there.

The choice to indulge in any activity where we welcome and embrace pain at the hands of a certain sadist, doesn't make us masochists victims against our will.




People, we value your concern, believe us we do. But remember,our keywords are Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Just because we do not conform to some of your rules and norms, doesn't mean that we cease to be well-informed, consenting adults who understand what we're getting into.

I do not deny that there are so many battered women and children across the country that it is easy to feel specially worried about the submissive types. However, if you ask us multiple times and we tell you we are fine, please don't nag.

If there are no obvious signs of distress and / abuse, please do not try to convince us that we don't know what we might be getting into. Believe it or not, we sub types are actually far more efficient at recognizing sociopaths. Let me put it this way :)



Let me reiterate again... BDSM is consensual. Whether SSC or RACK, we understand the risks.

We love and appreciate the compassion you send our way. However, for a lot of us, these are neither kinky games, not fucked up minds, but a choice about the way we want to live our relationships. As long as you can respect it as a preference for black coffee over brown, we'll get along, just fine :)

Much love,
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017


Saturday, 2 September 2017

100 Rules of Tough Love - Rule 2

Rule 2 - Don't Do it For Rebound aka Velcro Collars

D/s is intense. One of the reasons a lot of Ds practitioners are seen in what we call 'velcro collars' is because they do collars while still in rebound. I mean, let's face it people; breaking up from simple vanilla relationships is so frekkin difficult, this is an entirely different league we're talking about.

Think of it. This woman or man knew your kinks,  how much pain you liked or disliked to get turned on, whether or you enjoy being tied up, or being called names, or blindfolds. They didn't judge you, they didn't call you a freak. In public or in the intimate space that you shared, as your partner, they accepted you for what otherwise would get you labled as a pervert.

And you hope to hop on to a new train before you've even fully gotten off the first one?

Collars are to be respected my friend. In the Indian context think of a 'MangalSutra'. Would you wear anyone's mangalsutra randomly? Would you put it on any neck randomly? Would you exchange rings or garlands with anyone? If not, why would you do that with collars?



Just because it was a BDSM relationship, it doesn't have to be causal? It doesn't have to be all about kinky sex or play sessions? It is important to heal before you meet the next submissive or the next Mr. Grey.

As a submissive, when I am in a BDSM-centric relationship, I trust my Dominant more than I do when I'm dating a regular guy. I obey my Dom much more than a lover. A Dominant isn't my next tinder date. A dominant 'AT TIMES' even has the ability to restrict me from watching TV or pleasuring myself. Does a Boyfriend have that privilege? Well, certainly not.

However, this also means that my bond with a D/s partner is way intense as compared to a lover. This also means, that before entering a new relationship, I need to ensure that I am fully over the previous one.

As a Dominant on the other hand, I am responsible for my submissive's well being. If my anger, my hurt, my boredom is what is driving a session, do I consider myself emotionally fully caring and responsible for my submissive? Well, I can only speak for myself. And no, at such times, I would rather refrain from any activity that gives me a high, including BDSM.

It's really simple. When in a break up, don't rebound, don't drink, don't do BDSM untill you relatively heal. Same goes for the partners you pick as well, so as you are not set up.

Remember, some people's genuine kink is vulnerability. Others, abuse it. Some cannot stand it. You may end up with the wrong partner and miss out on the right one, if you do not allow yourself to settle down.

So hide in a corner if you have to. Socialize with friends if you have to. Heck, even take a break from all sorts of BDSM activity, including reading, watching porn, munches, socials, anything else.

First ? Heal! Tough Love Comes later, my love :)

To those of you who are healing...

Much Love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Friday, 1 September 2017

100 Rules of Tough Love - Rule 1

Let's Look at something else as well. What are the rules for Tough Love? What are the rules to find BDSM relationships, to be in them, to nurture and fulfill them and yourself? Well, I am trying to list 100 of them. Here they begin:

Rule Number 1 - Be Authentic, Be Yourself

Authenticity is one of the major differences between vanilla and BDSM relationships. In fact, I must say it's one of the major differences between fulfilling and non-fulfilling relationships. Just because a lot of literature, porn as well as people try to project BDSM as roleplay, it is no reason to be anything else but yourself when you're looking for a BDSM relationship. The fact is that BDSM and tough love has as many shades as people who practice it.


Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Taken - Oscar Wilde


Let me ask you this. Do you even know where you are on BDSM spectrum? If yes, great. If no, then find out. It's not IMPOSSIBLE. It's tough, oh hell, yes, it is tough! Takes a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of sincerity. However, it certainly is not impossible.

If you're confused, acknowledge that you're confused. Being confused isn't a sin. Being confused isn't a crime. It's just a state of being. It's OK.

The risk with being anything but yourself is that the other person may take you for more seasoned than you may be, or less seasoned than you maybe. In BDSM, this misreading can have direct consequences on your health and safety.

What if someone took you to be a heavy masochist because you weren't being your scared, self and then ended up giving you more pain than you could handle?

What if someone took you for a naive idiot and tried to take you for a ride, or violate your consent by trying to manipulate you under the pretext of consensual non-consent?

What when you are misled and end up trusting a person because they lied about their experience, only to know that you agreed to do breath play with someone who could send you to coma?

So for your own sake and that of your partner/s, please Be Yourself.

With love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

How did I discover kink?



Often, I'm asked this question. How did you discover kink. Well, here's a brief account of the journey.

I was 22 when I discovered BDSM. I’m 33 now. It’s been 11 years. However, I was 16 when I had first used the word submissive for myself. That makes it almost 17 years. But was all of it about BDSM? Well, no. Was it about submission? Yes. 

To be honest, I never realized that submission could mean sexual submission too. I thought submission was about pleasing people. I wanted to make my parents, teachers, seniors, husband (I dreamed of finding one at that time) and in-laws (with husband they were bound to come to my life).
I was very sure that my submission was about being a docile woman. However, thanks to my upbringing and education, I realized that my meekness was being mistaken for my weakness.

I turned to spirituality. I thought, maybe submission was about being the servant of the servants of God. However, I refused to be brainwashed into cults. I refused to be conditioned to deny my sexuality.

A late bloomer as I was, at 22, I broke up from my first long distance relationship. I know some of you are probably smirking right now. Perhaps I would as well, if this was the story of another person. At some level, I smirk even today when I hear people saying that online role plays are very meaningful for them. You see, I am not liberated enough yet to not judge despite having been there. I am learning.

This breakup came at a crucial point in life. I had moved to the capital of the country from a tier 3 town in one of the Hindi speaking states. I was changing careers. Delhi was already a cultural shock.Looked like I was always pretending to be someone I was not. Always wearing a mask.



Thankfully, I, a childhood loner found some friends that I could safely confide in. One of them was a senior colleague at my first work place. She introduced me to watching porn hoping it would help me with my breakup and heartache. Little did she know that my partner and I had never had sex.

No, I didn’t pretend to be experienced. But I didn’t come out clean with being in a long-distance relationship rather than otherwise. D, if you’re reading this, I am sorry I didn’t come clean. However, I am not sorry you introduced me to porn. Not, the least bit.

Link to link, I landed on kink. That’s what happened to me on my first porn website trip. Result? I was shocked, I was stunned. How could there be women who wanted to be tied up or beaten like that and still look so happy?  How was it possible to find pleasure in pain? Add to it the fact that I had zero experience of sex. 

Result? I was scared. I was disgusted. I was curious as hell. I didn’t enjoy watching that ‘stuff’. I still call it ‘stuff’ sometimes when I’m not thinking consciously about my words. 

So, once the initial shock faded off in a few days, I started reading. I read for almost 3 years. Read everything I could lay my hands upon. I went to yahoo chat rooms till I found other people who could point me to more reading material. I was no longer shocked, disgusted or anything else. This, my dear reader is how I discovered kink. 

These 3 years were the loneliest years of my life. They were the most intense years of my life in some ways. These years unravelled life in front of me in a way that had never happened before.  

11 years later, I am here, unravelling my journey for you. Not as a way to propagate a lifestyle, not with a desire to convert anyone to kink. But, as a voice of solidarity. I understand what it is to feel lonely, I understand what it is to pretend to be someone you are not. I understand what it is to live a life of duplicity, hiding from everyone, including yourself. Thankfully I no longer have to do it. 


On that note stay tuned.

With love,
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017  
(Image source - https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3b/d2/0b/3bd20b26f1517442b4b612296e23f1d8.jpg)



Sunday, 13 August 2017

Myth Buster 1 - A kinky woman is a slut

No, she is not. She is not a slut, she is not easy, she's not a freak and she's not weak.

A kinky woman is just that. A 'kinky' woman. Just like a kinky man is not a perv, just like he's not a predator most times, just like he's not necessarily desperate. Similarly, a kinky woman is not a slut. She's not some kind of nymphomaniac who likes to fuck all the time, or any random guy she meets.

Where can you find a kinky woman?

Anywhere. You can find her pretty much anywhere. In a work place, at a party, on one of your dating apps, in your college, amidst your friends. She could be the woman living next door and she could be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher for all you know.

Does a Kinky woman always know she's kinky?

Nope,  not always. However, it is not your responsibility to assume to teach all women kinkiness. Unless you're a kinkster, unless you're dating a woman, please follow the basic courtesy rules your mom taught you about approaching women. Please do not presume that just because a woman has read 50 shades of grey or watched 'Lipstick under my Burkah', she's a kinky woman.  The probability is always 50 % you see?


So, how do you approach a kinky woman?

If you have to ask this question, there's something severely wrong with your inter-gender interaction skills. You've forgotten the basic lessons in courtesy mum taught you. Or maybe, she didn't get time to teach you. Afterall, we Indians often don't ask our parents on how to approach a guy / girl sexually.

So rule of thumb -  you treat her with respect. You do not assume that a woman is kinky to begin with, just because she's on tinder, or on a kink platform or on a kink website, or because she discussed it in a truth or dare game. Don't assume, ask respectfully.

Even if she IS kinky, self-proclaimed, proven or otherwise, she may NOT be interested in you. Don't take her for granted. Not all kinksters are poly (we'll talk about that soon), not all kinky women are sluts, not all kinksters are despos or nymphos. So, if she says a no, BACK OFF! A sexually aware woman saying a no, is more aware of her desires than a presumptuous prick is. So, don't be that prick.

Bitter Much?

Did you feel my tone was caustic? Well, yes it was to an extent. Trust me, it's not because I'm a snob, but because some men do NOT understand a no unless a woman raises her voice. Apparently their inflated egos can't accept it.

If however, you are not a man of the above type, you have my advance apologies and a hope that you will look deeper into my intention.

On a side note, I do hope you will be able to connect with some amazing women who are willing to experiment with kink.

Stay well and play safe!
Asmi

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Saturday, 6 May 2017

BDSM Glossary - 1

Since there are many questions around jargon and terminology and since am such a good girl for wanting to answer these questions, here's another series of posts on BDSM Glossary.

Bondage - Bondage is the first jargon in the entire BDSM acronym. Bondage is about binding someone. Could be mental, emotional, physical or various combinations of these.

Since there are many questions around jargon and terminology and since am such a good girl for wanting to answer these questions, here's another series of posts on BDSM Glossary.

Bondage - Bondage is the first jargon in the entire BDSM acronym. Bondage is about binding and restraining someone. It could be mental, emotional, physical or various combinations of these.



Bondage, or for that matter, any activity in BDSM can be classified as mental as well as physical. From a practitioner's POV, the mental games are sufficiently risky to be taking them casually. More so, because they can have impact on the day to day life. For instance, if someone wants to do hypnotic bondage, they better be trained as a hypnotist, rather than experimenting with another's mind.

Frankly, mental bondage is more of a lifestyle choice and a risky one ta that. Not to be taken lightly, one should practice it only with seasoned and trusted partners.




On the other hand, physical bondage is usually a kink for most people. There are lots of tools that people use for physical bondage. Silk scarves, hand cuffs, ankle cuffs, hog ties, ropes, harnesses. Sometimes people even use saran wraps, tapes, tie bands etc. One needs to be conscious when indulging in bondage to not cut off blood flow or breath.




Some of the bondage is also done for artistic and aesthetic pleasure.  One of such Japanese styles of  rope bondage is called the Shibari. A lot of Shibari practitioners find it meditative.




Shibari is used to create many artistic patterns like corsets, clothing, feet bondage, or for typing the body in different poses and forms.


This post isn't a very detailed and exhaustive post. Ideally, bondage is a subject good enough for independent treatment in a small book. However, I do hope, this kind of takes you through the very basics.

Till the next post, be well and play safe,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Thursday, 4 May 2017

What do people do in BDSM ?

So the most frequent question I get asked is - what exactly does it mean when you say you practice BDSM? Do you have rough sex? Do you have kinky sex? Do you beat people? Do you get beaten? Do you role play? Do you sleep with many people? Do you do Orgies? Do you.......

And I silently pray that people would calm down just a bit and breathe :) Just like I do. Yes! I breathe in BDSM :) I laugh, I cry, I smile, I weep, I serve, I am taken care of, I get hurt, I hurt, I enjoy, I have fun, and more. But more importantly, I live! I breathe!

However, the euphemisms aside, let's see what all can a session mean. Also, what does a session certainly NOT mean. There are two ways of approaching the subject.

1. What does a BDSM session mean in general?
2. What does a BDSM session mean for me personally?

I will like to begin by saying a BDSM session means what you want it to mean as long as the activities are a part of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. For a lot of people BDSM session also means kinky sex with fetishes.

Since BDSM is so personal, it may not make a lot of sense if I talk only of my perspective. Afterall, what it means for me, is only one side of the story. So, I will share more about this question on a generic note and let's see, some of the things a BDSM session can mean.

  • What Exactly is a session ?
A session is the time spent together in an intimate / semi - intimate / public setting between two people who identify as BDSM practitioners. This could be sexual or not, public or private. This could include pain, bondage, discipline, sex, or neither.







  • What can a BDSM session entaill?

Any activity that falls under the spectrum of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism can be a part of a BDSM session. By extension, any kinks and fetishes that enhance sexual pleasure may also be a part of a session.


  • Is a BDSM session about exciting sex?
Only if you and your partner want it to be. If one of you is asexual or doesn't want to have sex in a particular session, that's fine. A lot of times a BDSM session is only about the protocol. For instance the submissive may kneel at a Dom's feet and they may watch the TV together and that's all they may do. It's as good as a session for them, if this makes them happy.


  • Then How is a BDSM session different from normal love making or cozy time?
Well, it's not. The mindset is what's different. The activities may or may not differ. You may cuddle up with your boy friend, or you may cuddle up with your Dom. Your Dom may be a guy or a girl. You may have sex with your boyfriend, or may work out with a friend or may indulge in flogging with your sadist, or may let your bondage top tie you up, or  may let your Dominant order you around. None of them are honestly different in my opinion on the surface.

The difference is in how it makes you feel and what activities interest you. If it's plain 'vanilla' missionary sex or a normal workout, it's a vanilla activity. If it's an activity around BD, Ds or Sm, it's BDSM.


Feel free to read, comment, discuss. I'd love to hear your thoughts and answer questions the best I can.

Till the next post.

Be well and play safe,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017


Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Is it all fiction or do you really practice BDSM?

So, one of the most common questions that I am addressing these days is - Is it all fiction? Do you really practice BDSM or are you just writing about it ? How is it that in India you can practice BDSM? How did you manage to find a partner? What did you do with them?

I am going to try answering some of these questions. Others, I won't for reasons of privacy of other people, but some of these questions are very pertinent and need to be talked about and discussed.


So The Main Question - Is it all fiction, the stuff you write about BDSM?



No, I do not write pure fiction. Sure my style is that of a story teller because I have to protect people's identities, including my own. However, does that mean, I am narrating erotica? Well, no.

A similar question my father asked me was - the books you've written, are they based on your experiences or on research? My response was - both. It was given in a serious tone, because it was dad I was speaking to. Thankfully also, he didn't probe into details. 

However, I'm sure you realize on this basis, how serious I am about what message I send out in this universe because I know I will reap the same. I write authentic, I get to read authentic :)

With that, my only wish is that I find it in me to continue on my own path for self-awareness, growth, submission, strength and may everyone find their path too :)

Till the next time, stay well and play safe!

© Asmi Uniqus 2017


Thursday, 20 April 2017

It's NOT OK to ping a BDSM Practitioner's friends on facebook

So recently, someone followed me to my blog through my tinder profile and then they reached my facebook profile. So far, so good. They pinged me, trying to tell me how they are a GREAT REAL NO LIMITS master. When politely told off that there's nothing like no limits, they choose to ping every woman on my profile and ask them if they are a BDSM submissive.

It is NOT OK. It is called desperate behavior.

  • BDSM is NOT an excuse for harassing people and their friends.
  • BDSM is NOT an excuse for stalking women.
  • BDSM practitioners are NOT necessarily easy lays.
  • Women who practice BDSM are not necessarily cheap, easy, desperate or interested.
  • Women who say a no, do NOT mean a yes.
Here's one screenshot. If other friends provide more, I'm going to name and shame this person more. Because high time people understand that BDSM practitioners are not freaks, we are different and we DO NOT endorse jerk behavior.



© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Safe Call

So first off, let me share a bit about what is a safe call.

What is a Safe Call?

A safe call is a trusted person, I will call before I go for a session with a new partner. 'New' is what I define 'new'. For instance, I prefer to listen to my gut, but the first 3 sessions with anyone in my life are arranged with safe calls.

My safe call is a friend who is not going to be busy that day, or who I trust with my life. Someone I know will dump anything and rescue me, should I send them an SOS warning.

Remember, safe call is not the same as the 'safe word'. It does not mean that I scream 'red' and my Dominant will stop doing the activity they are doing. Safe call is my rescue plan, my emergency exit from a session, my backup in case a Dom faints and I am tied, a friend who knows how frequently to check me, the location where I am (it could very well be my own house, his / her house or a hotel), the duration I am going to be there for. Most importantly my safe call WILL KNOW who I am with.

Challenges with a Safe Call:

  1. You really need to trust this person with your life.
  2. Your play partner may not be comfortable with someone else knowing about them.
  3. Your play partner may not even understand the significance of a safe call.
  4. Your play partner may simply refuse to play without a safe call.
  5. Your play partner thinks you do not trust them.
Addressing these challenges:
  1. This is why it is important to make friends in the scene first and play later. There are always, kind, responsible and compassionate kinksters who will be willing to become your safe calls. This is like telling my best friend that I am going for a tinder date with a stranger in a hotel room.
  2. Then, they've got a problem. I would say, see the red flags and run. No man in this world is an island. Believe me, I know that it's difficult for most people to share or have the details of their intimate escapades with a third party. However, if they do not respect your concerns, then will they really respect your consent?
  3. Another red flag! This is easy to work with though. Assuming, your partner is willing to talk, learn, discuss, consider and eventually practice.
  4. Then DON'T PLAY WITH THEM. Simple! I do not remember how many people have I refused because they just refused to see the logic or denied to do something about it even when they saw the logic.
  5. Not true! It simply means that you trust a tried and tested friend as a backup option. BDSM play is not about ego tussles, competitions and insecurities. It is about responsibility, communication, respect and safe practices, just like any other dynamic. If your partner has trust issues, you need to sit down and talk and work THAT out before you guys play.

Exciting is different from dumb, you see! So please ensure that you are AWARE of safe call, KNOW it's an option. USE it !


© Asmi Uniqus 2017