Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Only overgrown kids want to submit to others

“You claim to be an empowered woman and yet you claim that you want other people to boss you around. Who would really want to spend all their time trying to tell you what to do. Grow up and take charge of your life. Why do you want to spend all your life being someone’s slave?”


Erm…. Thanks for asking me that question. I really wish your words were laced with less judgement and assumptions. Your question actually tells me much more about you, rather than any of my Dominant partners. 

First things first, I am totally in charge of my life. I eat what I like, I exercise based on what my doctor and trainer recommend, I buy what I can afford, I am well-read, well-educated and very gainfully employed, I live by myself, have wonderful relationships with my family, friends and chosen partner/s at any given point. So, my submission isn’t reflective of my incapability to take charge of my life 😊

Now that we have THAT out of our way, let’s talk about the rest of it. I trust my long-term partners with greater responsibility. That’s one of the reasons I submit. The second reason I submit to someone is, that we have both taken time to know each other very well, not just in the bedroom but also outside it. We MUST have intellectual, emotional, social, and financial compatibility before I agree to even ‘consider’ submitting to them.

Third, I am happy doing things for other people, people I love. Just like I hope you are. Only that my demeanour is submissive rather than obliging. Fourth, I have taken more than a decade of my life and worked on myself, in order to be able to fully embrace my submissive desires and nature. It is not lightly that I submit. It is not to every Tom, Dick, Harry, or Heena, Neena, Karina that I submit.

In some of my write-ups I have mentioned how my Dominant partner/s have brought positivity, empowerment and enrichment to my life. At some places perhaps, I have also written a bit about what value my partners think, I have added to their lives. I might write more on that later.

All of that said, I am neither a doormat, nor a wall flower. I ensure that any Dominant partner I go around with is someone who understands and respects my own accomplishments in life. I do realize that it is a difficult and paradoxical concept for most people to reconcile with.

Further, Dominants don’t just go around bossing people. Just like me, my partners also work on their self-awareness. They work on as many sentiments, personal issues and skills as I do. When I serve them, they also have a responsibility to care for me, to protect me, to ensure I don’t overexert myself. My partner/s take it seriously.

Remember what I do is neither under societal pressure, nor because of coercion. It is with another consenting adult like any other ‘regular’ relationship. Our power exchange is not parasitic, co-dependent or dysfunction like in a lot of erotica. 

One of the good ideas might be to actually connect with some people offline and see how and why they function. Some gentle questions asking them what they do, how they relate with their partners, what makes them do what they do, is a good way to begin. 

BDSM if done right in a consensual set up with the right people is an act of love. As much as any other display is, specially on the Valentines' day.

Hope this clears some confusion.

© Asmi Uniqus 2018

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Giving Pain to Someone I respect

Dear Asmi,

I really respect and love my partner a lot. Not just that, all my life I have taken pride in being a chivalrous man. How can I hurt a woman, that too a woman I love? I find it a very conflicting idea that I have desires of hurting my partner on purpose. Can you please help me understand how this works?

Concerned and Curious


Dear Concerned and Curious,

Thank you for writing in. It's a very important question that bothers a lot of people. Much rightly so.

BDSM relationships are (or are expected and ought to be) all about consent and communication. When I say consent, please understand that I’m talking of notional consent and not necessarily legal. In the legal purview, a lot of explicitly consensual, risk aware and safe activities might be penalizable. Consent however, is a subject for separate treatment. 

For the sake of answering your question, I am going to safely assume that you have a lover / partner who has voluntarily consented to receiving pain. Also, that your partner has done this with the understanding that they will be able to stop you by the use of a safe word when they need to. I am also assuming that you have the ability to stop, both when you hear them using the safeword, and also, when you feel the need to use your safeword (yes, Doms need a safeword too).

With that out of the way, let’s address the actual question. How can one hurt someone they respect and love? To begin with, let’s consider why would someone want to receive or give pain. Pain is a bodily sensation like any other. Imagine people who take up kickboxing as a sport? Or those gym rats? Every inch of their body hurts and yet, they enjoy it. 

What I’m trying to say is that one needs to get rid of the notion that pain is necessarily bad. I’m sure you’ve yourself experienced some of that sweet, mild, pain yourself. Pain can be purposeful, enriching and rewarding when mixed with other sensations. When done correctly, pain as associated with the BDSM spectrum can feel very pleasurable, even though it doesn’t have to necessarily lead to coitus. The body’s chemical reactions to the stimulus can be similar to how one feels during meditation or orgasm.

Most of the times, people who engage in any sort of BDSM activity do it because they are trying to fulfil a fantasy, or achieve a certain psychological state, hormonal rush or feel grounded. For some people it can even be therapeutic. I do not know what it is for your partner and you specifically. However, if your partner really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something they might find pleasurable? 

Everything said and done, BDSM isn’t everyone’s cup of chai 😊 For some people it works instantly, for others it’s an acquired taste and for a lot of people, it simply doesn’t work. Trust me, all those possibilities are totally OK. It’s entirely up to you to decide whether or not you want to participate in these activities. However, it is VERY important to be honest with your partner if you do not want to participate in BDSM activities that they want to explore. 

If you do consider trying things out before making up your mind, my only suggestion is that keep your mind open. Give it your best shot (No, the best shot isn’t how it is often done in porn movies). The best shot is the sincere desire to try, it’s not about hitting harder or playing rougher etc. 

Remember, if you make up your mind about trying this, you’re doing it for yourself and your partner and the experience WILL change you. You may be unsure in the beginning, so it’s a good idea to start slow. It’s also very important to educate yourself and your partner about safety, consent, communication both in and out of the session. Another good idea is to find someone who has done some things before and can give you practical tips. 

Hope this helps,

© Asmi Uniqus 2018

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Myth Buster 3 - BDSM is all about toys and props


Unlike the common misconception projected by the infamous movies, books and the horde of porn available online, BDSM is NOT about props and toys.Most people think that BDSM cannot be practiced in India because toys and props are not available and hence it is impossible for people to practise BDSM in India.

This calls for the busting of multiple myths. First being that BDSM is all about toys. No, it's not. BDSM is about the mindset that you bring to the relationship and the dynamics you share with your partner. It is about bondage, irrespective of what you tie the other person with, as long as you do not damage them.

It is irrelevant whether your bonds are those of satin ribbons or those of jute ropes. In fact, it shouldn't be surprising to discover that the most intense bonds are those of the mind and the heart. The bonds of the D/s mindset and the word that drives the bond between two people.

Same applies for implements of pain, Even if one is not an emotional sadist or a emotional pain slut, it is very much possible to hurt someone without the conventional BDSM implements. A plain, bare-bottom, bare-hand spanking is as effective as any other implement.

The second myth to break is that toys are not available in India. The fact is that yes, the fancy-looking, over-priced, over-rated toys and implements are not available. That said, there are sexual health and wellness websites which do have toys for sale in India.

However, it is always possible and easy to acquire and use the simple, domestic substitutes for toys. However, before you do that, there are two things that you need to have -

  1. The ability of lateral thinking in which you can imagine multiple uses of a certain object than those that are obvious.
  2. Detailed information on the side effects and the safety protocol of using different objects on human body, For instance jute and nylon ropes create different kinds of impact and may cause differential damage to the person who has been tied. 

 Some substitute toys are as follows:
  1. A lot of regular body massagers can be used as a substitute for vibes.
  2. Table tennis racquets, kitchen spatulas can be easily used as a substitute for paddles.
  3. Ribbons, old neckties and scarves can also be used as easy substitutes for ropes.
  4. Physiotherapy bands are  another great tool for safe and DIY bondage that's even easy to get out of. 
  5. Floggers can be made at home.
  6. Riding crops are easily available.
  7. Processed tree branches are an easy substitute to canes.
And this - is just the beginning of ideas.  For this post, I will leave you at this. Do write back with some kinky ideas of your own.

Much Love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Myth Buster 2 - A sub is not a victim

As a seasoned submissive, I am often asked what drives me towards submission. Also, when potential partners approach me, they tend to think that I am a victim and a weak woman, so I need to be either protected or that I can be exploited. These assumptions couldn't be farther from the truth.

The truth is, a submissive is not a victim. They are not being taken advantage of. Sure, there are women and men who are vulnerable. A submissive is often very aware of why and who are they with. The fact is, as a submissive, we don't need to be saved from some imaginary abusive dominant. We fully realize that it's a big, bad world out there.

The choice to indulge in any activity where we welcome and embrace pain at the hands of a certain sadist, doesn't make us masochists victims against our will.

People, we value your concern, believe us we do. But remember,our keywords are Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Just because we do not conform to some of your rules and norms, doesn't mean that we cease to be well-informed, consenting adults who understand what we're getting into.

I do not deny that there are so many battered women and children across the country that it is easy to feel specially worried about the submissive types. However, if you ask us multiple times and we tell you we are fine, please don't nag.

If there are no obvious signs of distress and / abuse, please do not try to convince us that we don't know what we might be getting into. Believe it or not, we sub types are actually far more efficient at recognizing sociopaths. Let me put it this way :)

Let me reiterate again... BDSM is consensual. Whether SSC or RACK, we understand the risks.

We love and appreciate the compassion you send our way. However, for a lot of us, these are neither kinky games, not fucked up minds, but a choice about the way we want to live our relationships. As long as you can respect it as a preference for black coffee over brown, we'll get along, just fine :)

Much love,

© Asmi Uniqus 2017

Saturday, 2 September 2017

100 Rules of Tough Love - Rule 2

Rule 2 - Don't Do it For Rebound aka Velcro Collars

D/s is intense. One of the reasons a lot of Ds practitioners are seen in what we call 'velcro collars' is because they do collars while still in rebound. I mean, let's face it people; breaking up from simple vanilla relationships is so frekkin difficult, this is an entirely different league we're talking about.

Think of it. This woman or man knew your kinks,  how much pain you liked or disliked to get turned on, whether or you enjoy being tied up, or being called names, or blindfolds. They didn't judge you, they didn't call you a freak. In public or in the intimate space that you shared, as your partner, they accepted you for what otherwise would get you labled as a pervert.

And you hope to hop on to a new train before you've even fully gotten off the first one?

Collars are to be respected my friend. In the Indian context think of a 'MangalSutra'. Would you wear anyone's mangalsutra randomly? Would you put it on any neck randomly? Would you exchange rings or garlands with anyone? If not, why would you do that with collars?

Just because it was a BDSM relationship, it doesn't have to be causal? It doesn't have to be all about kinky sex or play sessions? It is important to heal before you meet the next submissive or the next Mr. Grey.

As a submissive, when I am in a BDSM-centric relationship, I trust my Dominant more than I do when I'm dating a regular guy. I obey my Dom much more than a lover. A Dominant isn't my next tinder date. A dominant 'AT TIMES' even has the ability to restrict me from watching TV or pleasuring myself. Does a Boyfriend have that privilege? Well, certainly not.

However, this also means that my bond with a D/s partner is way intense as compared to a lover. This also means, that before entering a new relationship, I need to ensure that I am fully over the previous one.

As a Dominant on the other hand, I am responsible for my submissive's well being. If my anger, my hurt, my boredom is what is driving a session, do I consider myself emotionally fully caring and responsible for my submissive? Well, I can only speak for myself. And no, at such times, I would rather refrain from any activity that gives me a high, including BDSM.

It's really simple. When in a break up, don't rebound, don't drink, don't do BDSM untill you relatively heal. Same goes for the partners you pick as well, so as you are not set up.

Remember, some people's genuine kink is vulnerability. Others, abuse it. Some cannot stand it. You may end up with the wrong partner and miss out on the right one, if you do not allow yourself to settle down.

So hide in a corner if you have to. Socialize with friends if you have to. Heck, even take a break from all sorts of BDSM activity, including reading, watching porn, munches, socials, anything else.

First ? Heal! Tough Love Comes later, my love :)

To those of you who are healing...

Much Love,
© Asmi Uniqus 2017