Sunday, 30 October 2016

BDSM: My initial Journey


This is the second post in the previously mentioned series. While it's not necessary to read the posts one after the other in order to understand what I or a lot of lifestylers / kinksters like me, go through, it will certainly help to read the previous post and have a perspective.

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Though I’ve described my BDSM journey in the previous post in brief, I feel it might be right to elucidate more on, how exactly I came to terms with my inclinations for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism, Kink and alternative lifestyle. BDSM in India is never an easy journey. It wasn't one for me. Specially because I sought in a slightly non-conventional way.

It is important to know that my perspective might be different from many more who might share similar tendencies and inclinations. This difference basically comes from the fact that most people first experience sex. Then they use kink to spice up their sex life, experiment more with bondage or sadomasochism and then finally they try to explore the psychology and theory behind it. 

However, in my case the enigma is that I haven’t had penetrative sex yet. So, in technical sexual terms I stand a virgin. Most people find it difficult to understand how I could explore BDSM even though I am a virgin. I had thought it should be something common when you look at BDSM trends in India, but it was proved in due course to me that it wasn't exactly so.

However, once you can as a reader or a fellow kinkster or a lifestyler who indulges in practices of BDSM accept this coming from a sexual virgin, you might find an interesting point or two.

So, coming back to my initial journey, my BDSM journey started with reading, like I previously discussed. I read crazily, hungrily, trying to absorb and imbibe everything I read but that didn’t affect my sensibilities. True, some aspects of BDSM like hard core bondage, severe masochism, abusive sadism and consensual slavery scared me. But, then at the same time, there were a lot of factors that made a lot of sense. Way back then I found a lot of symbolic, philosophical and metaphorical similarities in BDSM practices and the culture of India.

In the initial days, I said I was a slave. But I also said that I was into only slavery and not into pain, sexual submission or BDSM itself for that matter. But looking at it in retrospect I think it came from a deep seated dissatisfaction from religious submission. I had been to ISKCON, I had experienced the kind of brain wash most other religious sects do, especially to someone who has more than one creative talents. And I was disappointed. In India, BDSM isn't something talked of openly, not even with the tech savvy generation coming out. So, someone relating both would probably be a horror. For me, this however happened without any conscious effort.

I was disappointed with religion because what had started as a willing submission was taking a route to forced surrender and not to the Supreme Personality but also His representatives and their representatives and theirs to follow further. The hierarchy of dominance was too much to deal with at that time for me. And I was too independent and strong-willed a woman to let them try and penetrate every aspect of my life. It was spiritual but the force made it mental and emotional sadism for me. Now, that is one thing I’ve always loathed.

They all tend and try to convert you to a tool of their pleasure and their goals. The question is whose tools you wish to submit to; and whether you wish to submit to their purpose at all or not.

I realized that submission is a very important part of my life, of myself, of who I am and what I wanted from my life. It had been long years of craving, asking people to scold me because I needed to be scolded. Miss perfect, as I was, or as I was assumed to be, I needed to relinquish that control, not while having my ‘anarthas’(or flaws as ISKCON people called them) denied, but to be guided through them. I did not even know I was kinky, before I discovered it. 

At the same time, I was also reading some pirated copies of Gor by John Norman(not something I’m proud of and no longer do I possess those copies). I actually went ahead to start a blog called the Golokean Kajira. There still are times when I think of Gods and Goddesses as the Heads of the household (a FM and a FW) and then a long hierarchy of slaves, both male-bodied and female-bodied. But then the same thing starts coming to me more as a hierarchy too much for me to deal with and I stop.

I realized submission TO women like would not come easy as I would always resist Dominance, question and re-question and dissect and re-dissect an idea, an instruction around 1000s of times before obeying it.

I wanted Bondage of mind, submission to those who earned it. Call them flowery ideas if you will, but I did not want to submit to just any Tom, Dick (pun intended) or Harry. And I didn’t believe that sensible people existed. After all, if they wanted to do to people what I wanted to be done to me, they should be as sick as I am. Right? For me only the Dominance of a sensible, sane, mature, educated, versatile genius would make sense.

To me it was all mental, nothing physical and nothing sexual in any way. And I was in my head sure that I will NEVER find people who correspond to this mindset. So, I went ahead and read, read and read, weeping myself to bed every night, praying to the Super Soul if there was one (deep within, I’m a believer, so I believed there is one), to help me find someone I could talk to.

Things have changed sure, I am better supported now, than I was years ago in my journey. However, that doesn't mean that my journey doesn't push my boundary every now and then :)


© Asmi Uniqus 2016

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