Sunday 16 October 2016

BDSM : My discovery

I am often asked about how did I discover kink. I have tried to explain my journey to a lot of fellow enthusiasts but my own personal growth is something that's so intimate that its tough to shape in words that could fully explain. So, I have tried to write a few posts, that I had published on one of my other blogs at one point. This is the first in the series.

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I was born, brought up and raised in a usual, conservative, religious, pious, Indian household. We wouldn't obviously know what BDSM means :) Raised in a very loving family, my parents, specially my father, brought me up as a free-minded individual. I wouldn't have then even thought then, that there'll be a day when I'd find myself in a world apparently so different from mine. But deep in my heart, I always knew I was interested in submission, though I didn't even know what the word could mean.

My family has never been a typical family. Neither in terms of the way they raise kids, nor in the way sex and sexuality is discussed in our household. We might not talk of kink, sexual acts, LGBT or BDSM inclinations etc. but we do talk of HIV, herpes, thalassemia, importance of sexual awareness, the pros and cons of pre-marital counseling etc. And I'm actually proud to admit that my family has a pretty broad-minded (I did not use the term 'open-minded)  view about this.

It's difficult for one to admit, embrace their sexuality openly. Specially when one is raised with so much of love. Difficult to come to terms with the fact that the way one sought submission has changed. It was the same for me.

The first time I used the word Dominant/submissive in my context I was barely 16. I used the terms in a very harmless non-sexual manner. I was actually thinking of relinquishing non-sexual control. I had in my tiny head, no sexual connotation attached to it.

But, I was reprimanded by the person (a teacher 8 years my senior), for using the term. However, they chose not to enlighten me about BDSM. Probably they them-self didn't know about alternative lifestyle. I remember how I would go around seeking scoldings, reprimands from everyone elder to me, even though I was publicly known as a strong woman. It was difficult for people to believe that I was anything that they would perceive as weak, immature, incapable or not so strong. It was actually frustrating :)

Bypassing the long 22 years before I finally discovered BDSM, let me share how did I actually manage to find it. I broke up from a long distance vanilla, Type-A boyfriend. I was unable to deal with the grief, the loneliness and surprisingly one of my female colleagues advised me to watch porn.

As disgusted as I tried to look with the idea, I was intrigued. I finally gathered my guts around before I got my first taste of porn and that was the day that changed everything around for me.

Link after link, I clicked only to land on a hard core, BDSM porn site. I got freaked out and ran away from there, almost swearing to myself that I will never again watch porn. Little did I know that curiosity kills  the cat and I will return again. Only to leave again and then return again and again, till I embrace that truth about me which repelled me then.

And then I found those terms. BDSM, Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism, Kink, Alternative lifestyle and the rest. I used google, yahoo chat rooms, and other similar resources.

On yahoo, someone mentioned Gor and Gorean culture and when I googled it and also explored kajira.org, I eventually ended up discovering more about irc. I found people willing to discuss there, most of them, in fact almost all of them, not from India.

I read, thought, discussed online, read more, thought more and discussed more for a long 2-3 years. It was then that I could even come to terms with my desires and know for myself that even though I may choose not to indulge in BDSM, it is OK to desire such things.

The later years made me move on to kink websites, social networking websites on kink, interact more with people, and then slowly find some people in India as well.

My life has had it's own share of BDSM, consensual sessions (finally), being judgmental of others' kink (to my embarrassment)  and being judged for who I am (a prude virgin who'd want pain but wouldn't fuck, to my anger).

I've over time found people who wouldn't judge me for my desires, who'd stand by me in my really troubled times and even those who'd ditch me just like the so-called 'vanilla' people. I guess the journey has been tiring, troublesome, tough, but rewarding. And it has taught me that people will always be people :)

In a nutshell though, I'm happy I had my share and continue to have more of what I call an adventurous, enlightening journey full of sharing and love, though expressed in a different manner.



© Asmi Uniqus 2016

1 comment:

  1. Time and time again true nature of one's understanding of self is probably the most important aspect of our lives...as humans. Unfortunately enough most people don't know what they aspire and desire for and the pre set norms of our society and culture has given rise to a bigotry and prejudice against one of the most primal need. Irc for sure is a source of everything that's non mainstream.. I belive as Indian society is becoming more aware I hope you will find interesting people in India as well.. Unfortunately the taboo itself stops them from exploring and experiencing.
    Thank you for insights.

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