Wednesday 10 January 2018

Giving Pain to Someone I respect

Dear Asmi,

I really respect and love my partner a lot. Not just that, all my life I have taken pride in being a chivalrous man. How can I hurt a woman, that too a woman I love? I find it a very conflicting idea that I have desires of hurting my partner on purpose. Can you please help me understand how this works?

Concerned and Curious


Dear Concerned and Curious,

Thank you for writing in. It's a very important question that bothers a lot of people. Much rightly so.

BDSM relationships are (or are expected and ought to be) all about consent and communication. When I say consent, please understand that I’m talking of notional consent and not necessarily legal. In the legal purview, a lot of explicitly consensual, risk aware and safe activities might be penalizable. Consent however, is a subject for separate treatment. 

For the sake of answering your question, I am going to safely assume that you have a lover / partner who has voluntarily consented to receiving pain. Also, that your partner has done this with the understanding that they will be able to stop you by the use of a safe word when they need to. I am also assuming that you have the ability to stop, both when you hear them using the safeword, and also, when you feel the need to use your safeword (yes, Doms need a safeword too).

With that out of the way, let’s address the actual question. How can one hurt someone they respect and love? To begin with, let’s consider why would someone want to receive or give pain. Pain is a bodily sensation like any other. Imagine people who take up kickboxing as a sport? Or those gym rats? Every inch of their body hurts and yet, they enjoy it. 

What I’m trying to say is that one needs to get rid of the notion that pain is necessarily bad. I’m sure you’ve yourself experienced some of that sweet, mild, pain yourself. Pain can be purposeful, enriching and rewarding when mixed with other sensations. When done correctly, pain as associated with the BDSM spectrum can feel very pleasurable, even though it doesn’t have to necessarily lead to coitus. The body’s chemical reactions to the stimulus can be similar to how one feels during meditation or orgasm.

Most of the times, people who engage in any sort of BDSM activity do it because they are trying to fulfil a fantasy, or achieve a certain psychological state, hormonal rush or feel grounded. For some people it can even be therapeutic. I do not know what it is for your partner and you specifically. However, if your partner really wants to explore something kinky and fun, do you consider it wrong to do something they might find pleasurable? 

Everything said and done, BDSM isn’t everyone’s cup of chai 😊 For some people it works instantly, for others it’s an acquired taste and for a lot of people, it simply doesn’t work. Trust me, all those possibilities are totally OK. It’s entirely up to you to decide whether or not you want to participate in these activities. However, it is VERY important to be honest with your partner if you do not want to participate in BDSM activities that they want to explore. 

If you do consider trying things out before making up your mind, my only suggestion is that keep your mind open. Give it your best shot (No, the best shot isn’t how it is often done in porn movies). The best shot is the sincere desire to try, it’s not about hitting harder or playing rougher etc. 

Remember, if you make up your mind about trying this, you’re doing it for yourself and your partner and the experience WILL change you. You may be unsure in the beginning, so it’s a good idea to start slow. It’s also very important to educate yourself and your partner about safety, consent, communication both in and out of the session. Another good idea is to find someone who has done some things before and can give you practical tips. 

Hope this helps,

© Asmi Uniqus 2018