Wednesday 1 May 2019

After 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore.

Hi Asmi,
We’ve been married together for 10 years. We were love married to begin with and have successful careers and a great friendship. Our family and friends think we’re an amazing couple. But after 10 years, I am not sure if I love him anymore. The sex is infrequent too. We still care for each other and I feel guilty that I don’t love him the same way as I did once. I wonder how can I fix this? 

Imperfect and ashamed

Dear Real-and-beautiful,

Yes, I chose that name for you because I think that’s who you are. Real and honest about how you feel and beautiful on the inside.

First off, thank you for acknowledging that something is amiss. It’s important to acknowledge that something isn’t how it used to be, or how you would want it to be. However, it is critical for you to resolve the emotional upheaval your feelings are causing in you.

I am sure you already know this, but I will repeat – people change all the time. So does love.
You’ve loved each other for 10 years. Been with each other, had arguments, heated debates hopefully, and have made love to each other passionately, am sure. I do not know if you have children together, but if you do, then you’ve both crossed that milestone together too. 

In the process, you’ve changed. Tremendously. Together and individually, you as well as your husband have changed. And, so has your love.

You see, love comes in multiple forms.

When we’re young, it often comes as infatuation. Later sometime as desire, then as lust, and with a special person or more, as romance. It comes in the form of affection, care, commitment, giving, intense sexual attraction. Love also sometimes comes in the form of unhealthy obsession, manipulation or abuse. Add to it the fact that love and its forms change as people change. 

Is it possible that you might be considering this change as fading out of the chemistry? Have you spoken to your partner about it yet? Have you tried to find new ways of reigniting your spark together? Maybe you both want to take a small vacation together? 

Perhaps you just want to book yourselves an OYO for a weekend getaway, even if in the same city. Or, you might want to explore the sensual rather than the sexual or the emotional rather than the sensual? Go learn dancing together or take up running or jogging with each other every evening and reconnect with each other.

While I have listed a few things, you can do to spark and reignite the love you once shared, let me emphasize again. You both need to talk first. It is very possible that he doesn’t even feel like your love is fading. It’s also possible that he also feels the same way and wants to rediscover your love, but is hesitating in telling you. So the first step is to buckle up and speak to him gently about it. I’m sure you will discover another facet of the love you both share. 

Much Love,