Tuesday 8 November 2016

BDSM - The Later Part of My Journey

Things have changed a lot over last few years, specially since the time when I wrote the last two posts. I've reposted them here only to share perspective on past.

I have come out of my closet over last few years. I have experimented with my desires, no longer just mentally and emotionally. The mental and the emotional are still a very big part of the lifestyle for me. In that sense, I am truly sapiosexual and demisexual.

However, I'm no longer as naive as I once was. I have experimented with pain, with pleasure, with restraint, with discpline and with various roles like a sub, save, switch and even a Dominant on an occasion or two.Oh and yes, I have found some amazing people that I connect with. I have discovered I am polyamorous now. I have discovered that there really are intelligent, wise, compassionate people out there!

I realised I'm still a submissive. I'm incorrigible that way :) I also realized I am the same old mild masochist. I still detest brain washing and mind games. I  still love people, get accepted or denied, get hurt or end up hurting people emotionally or mentally. However, I am also capable of handling the aftermath and the collateral damage better.

I have come out of my closet not just to the world that's not immediate but also family and folks. Of course this doesn't include the sister-in-law of my second cousin or a random business acquaintance. But anyone who really matters; knows who I am.

Here's more for you to read if you want to discover what does it feel like, when I am out of the closet finally :)

Watch out for this space on more about me :)

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Sunday 30 October 2016

BDSM: My initial Journey

This is the second post in the previously mentioned series. While it's not necessary to read the posts one after the other in order to understand what I or a lot of lifestylers / kinksters like me, go through, it will certainly help to read the previous post and have a perspective.


Though I’ve described my BDSM journey in the previous post in brief, I feel it might be right to elucidate more on, how exactly I came to terms with my inclinations for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism, Kink and alternative lifestyle. BDSM in India is never an easy journey. It wasn't one for me. Specially because I sought in a slightly non-conventional way.

It is important to know that my perspective might be different from many more who might share similar tendencies and inclinations. This difference basically comes from the fact that most people first experience sex. Then they use kink to spice up their sex life, experiment more with bondage or sadomasochism and then finally they try to explore the psychology and theory behind it. 

However, in my case the enigma is that I haven’t had penetrative sex yet. So, in technical sexual terms I stand a virgin. Most people find it difficult to understand how I could explore BDSM even though I am a virgin. I had thought it should be something common when you look at BDSM trends in India, but it was proved in due course to me that it wasn't exactly so.

However, once you can as a reader or a fellow kinkster or a lifestyler who indulges in practices of BDSM accept this coming from a sexual virgin, you might find an interesting point or two.

So, coming back to my initial journey, my BDSM journey started with reading, like I previously discussed. I read crazily, hungrily, trying to absorb and imbibe everything I read but that didn’t affect my sensibilities. True, some aspects of BDSM like hard core bondage, severe masochism, abusive sadism and consensual slavery scared me. But, then at the same time, there were a lot of factors that made a lot of sense. Way back then I found a lot of symbolic, philosophical and metaphorical similarities in BDSM practices and the culture of India.

In the initial days, I said I was a slave. But I also said that I was into only slavery and not into pain, sexual submission or BDSM itself for that matter. But looking at it in retrospect I think it came from a deep seated dissatisfaction from religious submission. I had been to ISKCON, I had experienced the kind of brain wash most other religious sects do, especially to someone who has more than one creative talents. And I was disappointed. In India, BDSM isn't something talked of openly, not even with the tech savvy generation coming out. So, someone relating both would probably be a horror. For me, this however happened without any conscious effort.

I was disappointed with religion because what had started as a willing submission was taking a route to forced surrender and not to the Supreme Personality but also His representatives and their representatives and theirs to follow further. The hierarchy of dominance was too much to deal with at that time for me. And I was too independent and strong-willed a woman to let them try and penetrate every aspect of my life. It was spiritual but the force made it mental and emotional sadism for me. Now, that is one thing I’ve always loathed.

They all tend and try to convert you to a tool of their pleasure and their goals. The question is whose tools you wish to submit to; and whether you wish to submit to their purpose at all or not.

I realized that submission is a very important part of my life, of myself, of who I am and what I wanted from my life. It had been long years of craving, asking people to scold me because I needed to be scolded. Miss perfect, as I was, or as I was assumed to be, I needed to relinquish that control, not while having my ‘anarthas’(or flaws as ISKCON people called them) denied, but to be guided through them. I did not even know I was kinky, before I discovered it. 

At the same time, I was also reading some pirated copies of Gor by John Norman(not something I’m proud of and no longer do I possess those copies). I actually went ahead to start a blog called the Golokean Kajira. There still are times when I think of Gods and Goddesses as the Heads of the household (a FM and a FW) and then a long hierarchy of slaves, both male-bodied and female-bodied. But then the same thing starts coming to me more as a hierarchy too much for me to deal with and I stop.

I realized submission TO women like would not come easy as I would always resist Dominance, question and re-question and dissect and re-dissect an idea, an instruction around 1000s of times before obeying it.

I wanted Bondage of mind, submission to those who earned it. Call them flowery ideas if you will, but I did not want to submit to just any Tom, Dick (pun intended) or Harry. And I didn’t believe that sensible people existed. After all, if they wanted to do to people what I wanted to be done to me, they should be as sick as I am. Right? For me only the Dominance of a sensible, sane, mature, educated, versatile genius would make sense.

To me it was all mental, nothing physical and nothing sexual in any way. And I was in my head sure that I will NEVER find people who correspond to this mindset. So, I went ahead and read, read and read, weeping myself to bed every night, praying to the Super Soul if there was one (deep within, I’m a believer, so I believed there is one), to help me find someone I could talk to.

Things have changed sure, I am better supported now, than I was years ago in my journey. However, that doesn't mean that my journey doesn't push my boundary every now and then :)

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Sunday 16 October 2016

BDSM : My discovery

I am often asked about how did I discover kink. I have tried to explain my journey to a lot of fellow enthusiasts but my own personal growth is something that's so intimate that its tough to shape in words that could fully explain. So, I have tried to write a few posts, that I had published on one of my other blogs at one point. This is the first in the series.


I was born, brought up and raised in a usual, conservative, religious, pious, Indian household. We wouldn't obviously know what BDSM means :) Raised in a very loving family, my parents, specially my father, brought me up as a free-minded individual. I wouldn't have then even thought then, that there'll be a day when I'd find myself in a world apparently so different from mine. But deep in my heart, I always knew I was interested in submission, though I didn't even know what the word could mean.

My family has never been a typical family. Neither in terms of the way they raise kids, nor in the way sex and sexuality is discussed in our household. We might not talk of kink, sexual acts, LGBT or BDSM inclinations etc. but we do talk of HIV, herpes, thalassemia, importance of sexual awareness, the pros and cons of pre-marital counseling etc. And I'm actually proud to admit that my family has a pretty broad-minded (I did not use the term 'open-minded)  view about this.

It's difficult for one to admit, embrace their sexuality openly. Specially when one is raised with so much of love. Difficult to come to terms with the fact that the way one sought submission has changed. It was the same for me.

The first time I used the word Dominant/submissive in my context I was barely 16. I used the terms in a very harmless non-sexual manner. I was actually thinking of relinquishing non-sexual control. I had in my tiny head, no sexual connotation attached to it.

But, I was reprimanded by the person (a teacher 8 years my senior), for using the term. However, they chose not to enlighten me about BDSM. Probably they them-self didn't know about alternative lifestyle. I remember how I would go around seeking scoldings, reprimands from everyone elder to me, even though I was publicly known as a strong woman. It was difficult for people to believe that I was anything that they would perceive as weak, immature, incapable or not so strong. It was actually frustrating :)

Bypassing the long 22 years before I finally discovered BDSM, let me share how did I actually manage to find it. I broke up from a long distance vanilla, Type-A boyfriend. I was unable to deal with the grief, the loneliness and surprisingly one of my female colleagues advised me to watch porn.

As disgusted as I tried to look with the idea, I was intrigued. I finally gathered my guts around before I got my first taste of porn and that was the day that changed everything around for me.

Link after link, I clicked only to land on a hard core, BDSM porn site. I got freaked out and ran away from there, almost swearing to myself that I will never again watch porn. Little did I know that curiosity kills  the cat and I will return again. Only to leave again and then return again and again, till I embrace that truth about me which repelled me then.

And then I found those terms. BDSM, Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism, Kink, Alternative lifestyle and the rest. I used google, yahoo chat rooms, and other similar resources.

On yahoo, someone mentioned Gor and Gorean culture and when I googled it and also explored kajira.org, I eventually ended up discovering more about irc. I found people willing to discuss there, most of them, in fact almost all of them, not from India.

I read, thought, discussed online, read more, thought more and discussed more for a long 2-3 years. It was then that I could even come to terms with my desires and know for myself that even though I may choose not to indulge in BDSM, it is OK to desire such things.

The later years made me move on to kink websites, social networking websites on kink, interact more with people, and then slowly find some people in India as well.

My life has had it's own share of BDSM, consensual sessions (finally), being judgmental of others' kink (to my embarrassment)  and being judged for who I am (a prude virgin who'd want pain but wouldn't fuck, to my anger).

I've over time found people who wouldn't judge me for my desires, who'd stand by me in my really troubled times and even those who'd ditch me just like the so-called 'vanilla' people. I guess the journey has been tiring, troublesome, tough, but rewarding. And it has taught me that people will always be people :)

In a nutshell though, I'm happy I had my share and continue to have more of what I call an adventurous, enlightening journey full of sharing and love, though expressed in a different manner.

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Sunday 2 October 2016

Popping Cherries and Eden's Apples

As sex deprived as we maybe, let’s accept it for a fact that 50 shades of grey has become increasingly popular. However, before I really talk of 50 shades of gray and kinky fuckery, I want to do a reality check. Are we even aware of what the V-card really means? Or what does losing it mean for that matter?

What is virginity?

  • It’s the cover of my wee – wee? Well, no, that’s your foreskin, not your virginity.
  • It’s the tiny little button in my girl parts? Nope again, That's your clit, darling!
  • Is it the piece of tissue called the hymen inside my vagina? Well done Sherlock ! But hey, wait. That's hymen, not virginity!

Well, you’re partially right – Virginity in girls is the state of having that tissue intact. But what if the tissue is broken for various other reasons; or in rare cases when a girl was born about it?

And then... boys are also supposed to be virgins too. No? I mean they don’t have girl parts and they don’t have a hymen either. Then what makes them virgin?

Well well well! Then let’s check what do experts say, shall we?

Most experts agree that virginity is not a particular tissue in your body, but the state of your sexual exploration. Effectively, what they’re saying is that virginity is about whether or not have you had a sexual experience. Now sexual experience is not limited to the P in the V,  but it also includes other forms of sexual experiences. The discussion can actually be enough material for a separate post if you want.

Personally I think virginity is over rated; unless being a virgin or for that matter, not being one, affects you negatively. I mean honestly, how many of us are bothered about the issue of the tissue really?

Still, virginity is usually determined by the hymen being intact or broken in women and there’s no certainty that this test will be accurate. A lot of women lose their hymen post menstruation because of sports or physical activity. They don’t even notice it.

I mean who’s got the time to keep exploring and focusing on one single cave, when we have the entire Ajanta and Ellora to explore? With men, it’s even funnier. The only way to identify whether a guy is a virgin or not is to ask him. How funny :)

I personally feel the entire V-card hype is all about the moral and the religious conditioning we’re brought up with. Like John Oldman says in the movie The Man from Earth –

"And that's what I taught, but a talking snake made a lady eat an apple, so we're screwed."

I would say screw or not, pop cherries, eat apples, do whatever you want to do. Just make wise and informed choices and enjoy!

Watch out for the next post !

Till later :)

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Friday 23 September 2016

Responsible BDSM play - just an insight

As a rule, all Doms should be aware of SSC and RACK. SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual while RACK is Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The only difference between the two is the amount of risk involved, the understanding of it and the willingness to take that risk. To be fair, everything in life has a risk, ranging from sugar, to tobacco and adventure sports. We all take risks after deciding how much we can handle and are prepared for. This is why usually SSC is recommended for beginners and RACK for advanced enthusiasts.

While keeping in mind that BDSM as a set of practices has physical risks, there are also mental / emotional risks involved. As discussed in ‘Submission : A Practical Guide (BDSM In India)’ there are risks around the ‘subspace’ and  ‘subdrop’. Aftercare is thus needed to address them. Similarly a ‘Domspace’  and ‘DomHigh’ is also equally plausible and needs aftercare.

“In a lot of ways, Domination can alter the state of mind, especially if merged with play. It is therefore important to be always equipped with a basic first aid kit, just like one would do when indulging in any adventure sport. If you are planning to experiment with bondage, keep scissors handy; if with wax, keep ice and anti-inflammatory ointment like Burnol. When experimenting with impact play ice and salves are useful.”

For a good Dom, it is important to not just recognize their Domination and the related headspaces, but also those of the submissive that they are with. It helps to identify what aftercare works for both the people involved and to be able to provide and receive it with love, care and gratitude. It helps if at least one of the partners is seasoned enough, or if they at least have mentors or support systems to talk to and seek support from. Also, the more one explores, the more aware one is of what works for them and what doesn’t.

Who should provide aftercare first, is in my opinion a very juvenile question with no fixed answer. The only consistent answer to this is that both parties usually need aftercare and depending on how the scene has gone, either of them may choose to take the initiative.

An excerpt from Domination - A practical guide by Asmi Uniqus.

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Thursday 1 September 2016

The Queen - A story about FemDom

Hi there,

I know I've been vanishing off and on. Work's been hectic. I'll be more regular promise. I wrote a new chapter of a new book. A book on the Indian narrative of BDSM. The book will be about stories of real life practitioners and the book will try to cover multiple aspects of the lifestyle.

I've tried to begin with Femdom because I realize that a lot of people hesitate in expressing their sexuality and alternative lifestyle preferences because they are men and submissives or women and Dominants.

This one is about some insights from two different Female Dominants and I've published a free sample chapter on Wattpad.

Here's the link to The Queen.

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Image Source - Online

Sunday 10 July 2016

Reader Questions - Limits in BDSM

So, one of the readers of my books asked me :

Hi Asmi, 

I read your articles, your books and I have a question. What are the limits ? As in, how do you know that you are not hurting the partner and are in your limits when it comes to giving her pleasure ?



Hi AP,

Thank you for the question. It is a very significant and insightful question and I appreciate your focus on keeping your partner safe. I will answer your question in two parts - one is about what do we commonly mean when we use the word 'limits'. The other part will address how to ensure that you are within your limits while in a session with a partner.

Limits are a way of defining what is acceptable for a person in a session and what is not. A non-sexual parallel would be someone saying, "I'm a vegetarian". The very basic understanding this gives me is that if I'm choosing what to order, I shouldn't order meat or eggs or sea food for them.

They are usually issues about which at least one of the participants feels very strongly about. The feeling could be due to socio-cultural conditioning (ex. incest play is a taboo for a lot of people), or due to personal issues from one's past. The limits could be put forward during the 'negotiation' of a scene by either the Dominant or the submissive and maybe negotiated in as much or as little detail as desired.

I'll elaborate with the same non-sexual analogy.

  • I'm a vegan.
  • I'm a vegetarian.
  • I'm a lacto-ova-vegetarian.
  • I'm a vegetarian who will not share a plate with a non-vegetarian.
  • I'm a vegetarian who will not even share a table with a non-vegetarian.
  • I'm a lacto-ova-vegetarian who will share a table but will not cook, serve, eat or buy non-vegetarian food for my partner.

All these are the expressions that state someone's limits with food. However, I'm sure, you can obviously make out how their friends' or partner's behaviour towards their preferences will change. Specially if it's a deal breaker.

Allow me to now share a sexual example -

  • I'm into pain (could be emotional pain, or impact, clamps, needles and a lot more)
  • I'm into physical pain but not mental or emotional misery (emotional pain is out now)
  • I'm more into impact play (hitting - spanking, face slapping, punching, crop, cane, flogger, paddle etc.)
  • I'm only into physical, impact play based pain, which does not make me feel degraded, break my skin, draw out blood or damage my body (face slapping, needles, extreme impact, punching, etc. all go out of the door)
This is what defining limits does to you. You actually end up identifying what will and will not work for you and your partner.

So, how does one define limits? Well there are a lot of worksheets available for various kinks, fetishes, activities, props and scenarios. Most of them work on a scale that asks you if you're averse to, curious about, interested in, have tried, or are keen on a certain activity. Based on any such detailed questionnaire you and your partner can figure out what your hard limits, soft limits or kinks are.

www.bdsmtest.org is one such free tool. Remember though, such tools and sheets are not fool proof. You can game the system and get the scores as a Dominant, submissive etc. as per your desire. The key however is honesty to your self :)

Now the second part of your question :

As in, how do you know that you are not hurting the partner and are in your limits when it comes to giving her pleasure ?

I must compliment you on your desire to keep the experience pleasurable and safe for both of you. I appreciate that sense of responsibility which is easy to overlook in the heat of moment. Well, the first step is to talk. I have always emphasized on communication and honesty. This means that both of you will need to work on a sample worksheet of the type I mentioned, without discussing first.

Once you've both completed your sheets, you will then need to discuss, identify areas of compatibility and incompatibility. This will also help you identify things that will be hard limits.

If you're wondering, why both people should do the activity, well even Dominants and Sadists have limits. I know sadists that will never hit someone with a crop or cane and yet are perfectly capable of giving a lot of pain by pinching. Crops, canes are their hard limits. The point is everyone has limits and it's important to respect the limits of all people involved in a situation.

So, once you know your limits, the next stage is identifying a safe word or a set of safe words. This will ensure the communication within the session. If the submissive utters the safe word, the session must STOP. Right then. This is one part of the agreement that's meant to be sacrosanct unless you're at a very advanced stage where you practice consensual non-consent or Total Power Exchange (TPE).

A set of Safe words  gives both people more control on the thresholds of discomfort and leads to more judicious use of the safe word. For example, red / amber could stand for the ultimatum to stop the session, orange to stop the activity, yellow to indicate increasing level of discomfort and green to indicate everything is still pleasurable.

In case your submissive is gagged and cannot speak, then there will be a need to  set up a safe gesture which will be a substitute to the safe word. It could be dropping a handkerchief or a ball as an indication for physical distress.

Slowly and gradually, both partners develop an understanding of the body language and a lot of Dominants are seasoned enough to identify when to stop. However, most seasoned practitioners do NOT take a chance and still set the safe word.

Most importantly, err on the side of caution! This is the most important way to stay safe. If you err on the side of caution, your partner may at times feel like they got less intensity than they expected or wanted. There's always a next time. Right ? Not hurrying and talking out things between yourselves and accordingly titrating the intensity of your play is the key.

AP, I will summarize by saying that soul-searching, honest communication and constant observation and feedback sharing before, during and after the session is to ensure that your partner and you are safe, pleased and able to enjoy BDSM activities in a safe, sane and consensual manner.

Be well and play safe,

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

Thursday 23 June 2016

Interaction 1- A 24 M Master

Interaction Type: Approaching as a partner.

Profile Details: 24, orgy pictures as profile pictures

Lifestyle role: Master

Activity level: 24/7

Profile description:  heavy, Indian, cruel Master, looking for subs to scene with

Profile analysis:  all kinks listed are very extreme, unlikely for a 24 years old to have practiced in India. Kinks like breeding, emotional breaking, needle play, rape with no limits, sounds very risky for a young one to practice. Most likely, someone who has been enamored by kinky porn clips and 50 shades of grey but doesn’t know the sane options that they have.

Subject line – greetings


Very intrested in you..hope to hear the same from u..

Asmi_ 31F
young one, please read my profile.

ABC 24M 
Hii asmi..thnks for the reply..i read ur profile twice..& now i think its very easy to undersrtand u but very hard to work with you..i m not lier ,& i believe in strategic and meaningful partnerships than casual encounters..yes i m young( only physical ).that doesn't mean i m immature ..i can control or command situation better than a Normal mature man..i m well educating & master in all subjects.i m physical therapy student ,i love this lifestlye & wants to talk more about deep thoughts ,feelings & loyal to my play partners.i m learning new things & dominated a white girl 2 months before ..i m looking for a mature submissive women.not only to scene with to share inned feelings ,during my bdsm sessions ..not only two body gets intimate ..soul too...they talked togeter & pleasure eachothers .& i m promising i m much bettr than u expect..thnk u..

Asmi_ 31F

Thanks for the long explanatory email.
I'm sure you're a good Dominant and an awesome person and that your age is not a reflection on your maturity, but my preference on age is simply that, an 'important' preference. I must refuse.
All said and done, I am not looking for scene partners. Nor am I looking for someone who's 8 years younger to me. I am very very clear on what kind of a person I want and for what sort of dynamic.
That said, I personally feel that 24 is a very young age to call oneself a Master, but then I have seen Masters who hesitate in using that title even with more than 2 decades of experience. So perhaps our learning differs.
On the note of a suggestion, I think you should work more on your communication skills and continue striving to be a good Dominant, so that at some point you can find your ideal match.
I wish you well in your search.

ABC 24M 
I don't think so..in india its impossible to find an ideal match.thnks alot for your suggestion .i will consider it ..& i think no one is perfect in this world.
According to u ..that you have seen Masters hesitate in using that title even with more than 2 decades of experience ..may be true becoz they learned about this lifestlye with passing years but i feel myself  ,unique,,different & better than the perfection becoz i born with dominant qualities..or as dominant man..

Not always



A lot of people think that for a submissive the right response is 'yes Sir'. No it isn't. Specially not when someone overlooks your preference, your personality and cannot accept a 'no' for a 'no'.

Message Analysis and thought process behind it
A 24 something calling themselves a Master or a Mistress is an insult to a lot of senior and seasoned Dominants and Masters out there, who have been honored by their titles by the community on local as well as International levels. Most of them never use their titles and are extremely humble.
Too many ….s, too many grammar, typo, SMS lingo errors. I do understand that a lot of people don’t care about grammar, but I do and my profile makes it very clear.
Similarly, too much focus on sessions and play rather than a conceptual understanding. Especially when my profile clearly mentions I’m a BDSM author and am no longer into casual scening.
A mention of a white girl sounds like someone is trying to show as if being with an interracial partner is some sort of badge of honor. Elitist wannabe behavior is my term for it, at the risk of sounding judgmental.
Too much defense and apology for age. Someone who doesn’t care about age, shouldn’t have to defend it in the first place.

That said, keeping my personal judgments about an aspiring play – partner aside, I really mean what I say. I realize that a lot of people, specially youngsters, if not judged too harsh and advised with a calm demeanor and in a gentle way, could be amazing co-travellers in the BDSM lifestyle, even though they will travel with their partners and not me.

I wish this young man good luck and lots of learning on his journey.

© Asmi Uniqus 2016

A series of Interactions with fellow kinksters

Over more than a decade of human interactions in the kink and alternative lifestyle and alternative sexuality space; I've had a large range of discussions with a lot of fellow kinksters. People have confided in me, I have confided in them as well and the interaction is as humanly rich as possible.

This series of posts is going to be about the kind of messages I receive from fellow kinksters, the kind of questions I have asked and the kind of learning / answers I have shared with them.

Watch this space for more!