Wednesday 23 August 2017

How did I discover kink?

Often, I'm asked this question. How did you discover kink. Well, here's a brief account of the journey.

I was 22 when I discovered BDSM. I’m 33 now. It’s been 11 years. However, I was 16 when I had first used the word submissive for myself. That makes it almost 17 years. But was all of it about BDSM? Well, no. Was it about submission? Yes. 

To be honest, I never realized that submission could mean sexual submission too. I thought submission was about pleasing people. I wanted to make my parents, teachers, seniors, husband (I dreamed of finding one at that time) and in-laws (with husband they were bound to come to my life).
I was very sure that my submission was about being a docile woman. However, thanks to my upbringing and education, I realized that my meekness was being mistaken for my weakness.

I turned to spirituality. I thought, maybe submission was about being the servant of the servants of God. However, I refused to be brainwashed into cults. I refused to be conditioned to deny my sexuality.

A late bloomer as I was, at 22, I broke up from my first long distance relationship. I know some of you are probably smirking right now. Perhaps I would as well, if this was the story of another person. At some level, I smirk even today when I hear people saying that online role plays are very meaningful for them. You see, I am not liberated enough yet to not judge despite having been there. I am learning.

This breakup came at a crucial point in life. I had moved to the capital of the country from a tier 3 town in one of the Hindi speaking states. I was changing careers. Delhi was already a cultural shock.Looked like I was always pretending to be someone I was not. Always wearing a mask.

Thankfully, I, a childhood loner found some friends that I could safely confide in. One of them was a senior colleague at my first work place. She introduced me to watching porn hoping it would help me with my breakup and heartache. Little did she know that my partner and I had never had sex.

No, I didn’t pretend to be experienced. But I didn’t come out clean with being in a long-distance relationship rather than otherwise. D, if you’re reading this, I am sorry I didn’t come clean. However, I am not sorry you introduced me to porn. Not, the least bit.

Link to link, I landed on kink. That’s what happened to me on my first porn website trip. Result? I was shocked, I was stunned. How could there be women who wanted to be tied up or beaten like that and still look so happy?  How was it possible to find pleasure in pain? Add to it the fact that I had zero experience of sex. 

Result? I was scared. I was disgusted. I was curious as hell. I didn’t enjoy watching that ‘stuff’. I still call it ‘stuff’ sometimes when I’m not thinking consciously about my words. 

So, once the initial shock faded off in a few days, I started reading. I read for almost 3 years. Read everything I could lay my hands upon. I went to yahoo chat rooms till I found other people who could point me to more reading material. I was no longer shocked, disgusted or anything else. This, my dear reader is how I discovered kink. 

These 3 years were the loneliest years of my life. They were the most intense years of my life in some ways. These years unravelled life in front of me in a way that had never happened before.  

11 years later, I am here, unravelling my journey for you. Not as a way to propagate a lifestyle, not with a desire to convert anyone to kink. But, as a voice of solidarity. I understand what it is to feel lonely, I understand what it is to pretend to be someone you are not. I understand what it is to live a life of duplicity, hiding from everyone, including yourself. Thankfully I no longer have to do it. 

On that note stay tuned.

With love,

© Asmi Uniqus 2017  
(Image source -

Sunday 13 August 2017

Myth Buster 1 - A kinky woman is a slut

No, she is not. She is not a slut, she is not easy, she's not a freak and she's not weak.

A kinky woman is just that. A 'kinky' woman. Just like a kinky man is not a perv, just like he's not a predator most times, just like he's not necessarily desperate. Similarly, a kinky woman is not a slut. She's not some kind of nymphomaniac who likes to fuck all the time, or any random guy she meets.

Where can you find a kinky woman?

Anywhere. You can find her pretty much anywhere. In a work place, at a party, on one of your dating apps, in your college, amidst your friends. She could be the woman living next door and she could be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher for all you know.

Does a Kinky woman always know she's kinky?

Nope,  not always. However, it is not your responsibility to assume to teach all women kinkiness. Unless you're a kinkster, unless you're dating a woman, please follow the basic courtesy rules your mom taught you about approaching women. Please do not presume that just because a woman has read 50 shades of grey or watched 'Lipstick under my Burkah', she's a kinky woman.  The probability is always 50 % you see?

So, how do you approach a kinky woman?

If you have to ask this question, there's something severely wrong with your inter-gender interaction skills. You've forgotten the basic lessons in courtesy mum taught you. Or maybe, she didn't get time to teach you. Afterall, we Indians often don't ask our parents on how to approach a guy / girl sexually.

So rule of thumb -  you treat her with respect. You do not assume that a woman is kinky to begin with, just because she's on tinder, or on a kink platform or on a kink website, or because she discussed it in a truth or dare game. Don't assume, ask respectfully.

Even if she IS kinky, self-proclaimed, proven or otherwise, she may NOT be interested in you. Don't take her for granted. Not all kinksters are poly (we'll talk about that soon), not all kinky women are sluts, not all kinksters are despos or nymphos. So, if she says a no, BACK OFF! A sexually aware woman saying a no, is more aware of her desires than a presumptuous prick is. So, don't be that prick.

Bitter Much?

Did you feel my tone was caustic? Well, yes it was to an extent. Trust me, it's not because I'm a snob, but because some men do NOT understand a no unless a woman raises her voice. Apparently their inflated egos can't accept it.

If however, you are not a man of the above type, you have my advance apologies and a hope that you will look deeper into my intention.

On a side note, I do hope you will be able to connect with some amazing women who are willing to experiment with kink.

Stay well and play safe!

© Asmi Uniqus 2017